XIII: The World's Most Metal Animals Part 1: The Insect World is Surprisingly Brutal

Good evening. Finals week came and went, and to my surprise so far I haven't failed anything. Thank Satan for holes in the education system. Anyway, I'm officially on break now, so you know what that means. It's time for some blogging, HARDCORE.

I was perusing the interwebs when I found some information about a particularly brutal bug- the bagworm moth. This inspired me to write a blog about other metal animals, and was surprised to find that the majority of them were insects. Guys, insects are pretty badass. Seriously.


I. The Bagworm Moth




This is the one that inspired this blog. That is an adult male bagworm moth and aside from the fact that it looks like something from a little girl's nightmare, it has a surprisingly badass origin story. You see, all bagworm moths have to endure a trial by fire to earn the right to exist, and by trial of fire I mean they have to push their way out of their dead mother's corpse.

Yep, you read that correctly. Only the male bagworm moths get the right the grow wings, so the female ones adapt and become mating machines who never leave their cocoons. However, God wasn't done punishing the female bagworm (probably because of some crazy Biblical bagworm adultery) so He made them fucking incapable of reproduction. However, the species didn't go extinct, and I bet you can guess why.

Mother bagworm moths harbor many eggs in their bodies, all of which produce larvae that have to struggle to escape from their mother's decaying corpse when they're born in the spring. Possibly the most metal birth ever.

II: Trapdoor Spiders



Most of you will already know this story, so I shouldn't have to elaborate much on why this is so fucking metal, but damnit, I will anyway!

So you have a spider, which is already a pretty monstrous being - 8 legs, poisonous fangs, more eyes than you can count on one hand, and an insidious, drawn-out method for killing its prey. But let's say you wanted to make it more metal; let's say you made it a burrowing creature, able to live underground anywhere there's dirt. (For those of you who've done too much headbanging, there's a lot of dirt.) Let's say you also gave it the behavior of dragging it's victims down into said burrow, so that their long, agonizing death is spent isolated and confused, slowly dying in a cave, because...well, what the hell, why not?

But by far the most brutal aspect of the trapdoor spider is the one for which it's named. The namesake trapdoor to the burrow can be subtly lifted by the spider so it can play sentry to the immediate area. The moment some unsuspecting beetle or something walks by, BOOM, the door is open, the spider grabs it, and the door closes again. In the blink of an eye a life form is gone, condemned to experience its final hours in a world of pain, solitude, and darkness.

III. Anything afflicted by Cordyceps unilateralis (The parasitic mushroom with mind-control.)



This isn't specifically about a bug, but rather something that preys on bugs in such a terrifying way that I'm shocked it hasn't been made into a horror movie yet. The Cordyceps unilateralis is a parasitic mushroom that grows on the back of certain insects: namely, ants. It grows on the back of an ant and slowly saps the life from it. It feeds off them for the majority of its life, but takes a grim "I'll take you with me" approach to mortality. The mycelium (which can best be summed up as "brain-roots") of the mushroom grow into the brain tissue of the ant, and the mushroom hijacks the brain of the ant.

It then commands the ant to climb to the top of the nearest tree, tightens all of its mightily strong ant-muscles into a death grip on the tree, and patiently waits for the ant to die.

At which point the mushroom itself dies, grafted to its host who is eternally locked in a grim embrace with the tree...and then the mushroom releases countless spores to spread across the land, blowing for miles and miles in the wind. Each spore will land and lie in wait, and the C. unilateralis spreads its terror like something out of H.P. Lovecraft's fevered dreams.



IV. Tarantula Hawk



Holy shit, that thing is huge! Boasting a terrifying wingspan and a perfectly evil method of reproduction, the Tarantula Hawk is not only a fucking badass bug but also a great name for a band.

Wait a minute, I'm positive I've seen this exact bug as a design in LoZ: The Wind Waker...


And there it is, called a Mothula if I'm not mistaken.

Irrelevant!

What makes this particularly giant wasp so badass? Well for one, as the name should indicate it hunts tarantulas (which is pretty awesome in and of itself, but it gets better.) However, it doesn't feed on the tarantulas - tarantula hawks subsist on nectar. (Hilariously enough, if they drink the nectar of fermented fruits in the wild they'll actually get drunk, in some cases too drunk to even fly straight. It is for this incredibly awesome reason that the tarantula hawk has the closer spot on this list.) This wasp does, however, use the tarantula for reproduction, and if you've been paying attention then you know it's going to be gruesome.

The male tarantulas are too weak and scrawny to fit this monstrous predator's needs, so it seeks the females. These females almost always reside in their burrows, so it becomes more of a "seek-and-destroy" kind of mission. The tarantula hawk invades the burrow and stings the tarantula. I would like to point out that this wasp actually breaks into burrows, underground and in total darkness, and STILL manages to overpower a tarantula.

The tarantula hawk's sting is regarded as one of the most painful wasp stings in the world. As it turns out, it's much more painful for bugs. The tarantula hawk eventually overpowers the female tarantula, and the toxins in the sting paralyze the doomed victim.

The paralyzed tarantula then gets dragged across the fucking desert to a specialized "nest" that the female tarantula hawk digs out. Before the paralysis wears off, she lays a single egg on the spider's back, and departs. Her job in this grim task is done.

Picture it: the spider wakes up from paralysis, panicked and desperately fearing for its life. This nest is impossible for the spider to escape from, as it lacks wings. Sure, there's probably stuff to eat down there so the tarantula won't starve, but I'm sure it would much rather starve to death.

Unfortunately, what actually happens is far more grim (and therefore far more brutal.) A larva hatches out of the egg, and quickly bites a hole in the abdomen of the tarantula and crawls inside. Over the next few months (read that again- MONTHS ) the larva crawls around the insides of the spider, eating everything it can while making sure to save the vital organs for last.

Why, you ask? Because the longer you can keep the spider alive, the longer you have fresh food.

Eventually, the larva pupates (read: goes through a metamorphosis) and then tears open the spider's stomach and escapes, ready to hunt.


Sound familiar?



Until next time, keep an eye on those terrifying insects. A few of these would make really badass song subjects if they were about humans or demons. Someone go write some black metal, NOW.

Viva la metal!

XII: Have a Merry Metal Christmas! (and other pc holiday greetings)

Christmas is in two days.

I just finished my last final of the semester.

My brain is melting, and as such this is the extent of my post. Sorry for the half-assedness lately, expect a better one next week.

Happy holidays for those of you with rods up your asses, and for the rest;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmEfFlbqbbY

Have a merry Christmas and a metal new year.

XI: Finals Week Sucks.

Good day, brethren. I'm currently bogged down with an ass-load of final exam studying and such, so don't expect a really thorough post today. I've gotten over my insomnia (which is good) and I've gotten further in Dio (which is really good.)

Oh, and apparently Steelix won the poll. This comes as no great surprise, as he is actually made of metal. Too bad the exact same advantage didn't help Colossus win in his poll.

Now I just need to study for Computer Science. O_o

Ugh. On the whole this class' approach to failure is pretty metal. Sheer, pure perfection must be achieved on each assignment or you get a zero. Which is kind of un-metal, because metal isn't about being perfect, it's about being who you are and punching things. However, the concept of everything that is not perfect getting culled is definitely pretty metal.

Man, this sucks...
Viva la metal.

X: To Reign In Hell (and the Brutality of Mortality)

Good day, brethren. Forgive me if today's post is lacking in passion and humor, but I haven't gotten any sleep in the past two nights. I know what you're thinking, 'But Bill, sleep is for the weak!' Well, smartass, I need to sleep so my spirit can leave my body and feed on the dreams and delicious, delicious nightmares of my friends and housemates.


Bill used Dream Eater! It's super effective


But, if I can't sleep, I can't feed, and a hungry demonic blogger is not a happy demonic blogger.

My brain isn't feeling very creative today, but I guess I could force it to do some work. Oh, so in an underwhelming victory, Hades cinched the vote for most metal Greek god...by a score of 2 to 1. If you can read this, prevent such a weak turnout of votes by GOING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND VOTING RIGHT NOW. Vote or die!

...sorry if that sounded like a threat, I meant die eventually.

Like in 50 or 60 years.





Hmm...I suppose the brutality of mortality is a pretty good idea for a blog post. In fact, I'm going to add that to the title right now.

Holy shit, that's a really good album title. DIBS. I CALL DIBS, GUYS.

It's weird. As humans, we're all going to die. Each and every one of us. We all know it, and in our hearts (though some of us seem eager for the end) we all have a primal fear of it. You'd think that universal fear would bring us together in resistance of it, like a bunch of children who are afraid of a beehive so they collectively decide to throw rocks at it. However, it seems to not work out that way. There's a problem here- the fear of inevitable death is so great that instead of uniting us, it polarizes us.

We see each other as desperate to survive- desperate enough to kill. This makes us distrust, which in turns makes us ourselves desperate enough to kill.

Man turning against man where all that should exist is unity and trust.

And that, my friends, is the most metal thing of all.

IX: A Shark Fighting a Polar Bear and the Seven Deadly Sins. (blog unrelated)

Greetings. So, first and foremost...



BEAR VS. SHARK.
BEAR VS. SHARK.
BEAR VS. SHARK.


You voted for it, you got it.



*ahem*
And now for something completely different.




So I mentioned something last time about listening to a lot of Dio, and I figured that (since last week's poll was completely unrelated) I'd just blog about that. You already know this if you follow me on Twitter, but I'm currently in the process of writing a musical. Now, I know what you're thinking- "A musical? That's like the least metal thing of all."

I would've agreed with you, before I was struck with a blinding strike of inspiration in World Mythology class one day. With my hyper-advanced brain, I was able to discern that the first three letters of "Dionysus", the name of the Greek god of the harvest, wine, orgies, and madness, were congruent with the last name of the late best and most awesome metal god-

Ronnie James Dio. (May he rest in peace.)

Anyway, once I hit that point it wasn't far until I decided to write a musical Dionysian tragedy set to the music of Dio. From that humble glimmer of an idea has grown a Brecht-ian play within a play, insofar that it's a meta-Dionysian tragedy: a Dionysian tragedy WITHIN a Dionysian tragedy! And it's set in modern times and culturally relevant. Certain events motivate a character to gather some friends and write (and eventually put on) a show called "Dio: Sex and Metal" in which Dionysus, playfully referring to himself by the nickname "Dio" crashes a frat party two nights in a row, with sexy (and devastating) results.

Now you might be doubting how good of an idea this is. You may at some point decide that the Greek gods are not inherently metal, or that classical theater is somehow not exciting. At this point I'd like to direct you to the fact that in "Bacchae" by Euripides, Dionysus sets up a scheme that fucks over his enemy worse than any instance of being fucked over since.

He has him torn limb from limb by a drunken, frenzied orgy which is incidentally led by his mother, who Dionysus then further brainwashes to BRING HIS SEVERED HEAD TO HIS GRANDFATHER'S PALACE AND PUT IT ON DISPLAY.

All the women in the orgy get exiled, and Dionysus drinks wine and frolics into the sunset, laughing maniacally...

...and slowly wanders towards the next town, all the while getting drunk and having massive, rolling orgies.

He's a loner, a misfit of the gods. He hates humanity and wanders around the world, stealing women for his massive drunken orgies. He gets everybody drunk and crazy and causes many people to die horrible deaths.

Sounds like metal to me.



Also, I get to rewrite the lyrics of Dio so they fit the story, and that's a lot of fun. It's also very silly to find out that the chorus line of "Holy Diver" can be sung with the same cadence as "Di-o ny-sus!"

I'm two thirds done with the rough draft, so expect this to be a real thing in the second half of the year.


Until next time, stay metal!
\m/

VIII (Addendum)

Uh...hey. So my class schedule got switched this week (due to Thanksgiving) so that Wednesday classes were on Monday, and I accidentally wrote a blog entry in the class I usually do, thinking it felt like a Wednesday.

That post is here.
http://metalandothersillythings.blogspot.com/2010/11/viii-devil-in-gods-country.html

Until then, I don't think I really need to put up another one...just go read that. And think about what happens next time. The winner of the poll looks like it's going to be the Seven Deadly Sins, so I think I can come up with something metal about that. Like what if they were in a band or something. And if not, well, I'll think of something.

Viva la metal! Oh, and happy Thanksgiving. In the spirit of metal, savor the deliciousness while trying to relish the many years of toil and bloodshed that your turkey symbolizes.

VIII: A Devil In God's Country

Well, well, well. It seems to be that time of the week again. I'm listening to a lot of Dio right now (for reasons which shall be disclosed in about a week) and also making mac and cheese while I write this post, so I'm a little busy. But part of coming back to life meant swearing a blood-oath to Thor and the other gods of metal that I'd resurrect this blog with me.

\m/ Let it be done.

The winner of last week's poll, and the subject of this week's post, is Christian metal.

Now, I'd like to make a difference clear right now, in the sense that there is a huge difference between a Christian metal band (which is a genre type, like Christian rock) and a metal band whose members happen to be Christian. Some people will be callous and heavy-handed enough to assume that the two are one and the same, but they're both wrong AND stupid.

For example, I propose two musical groups for comparison.


Skillet, a Christian hard rock/metal band.

As I Lay Dying, a melodic metalcore band of Christians.


What are the differences here? Let's see via comparison.

1. General Awesomeness.

Skillet's music on the whole isn't very awesome. It largely contains motifs of being broken yet being able to be made whole...which is poetic and uplifting and stuff, but simply is not very metal. In fact for a band that likes to identify with the hard rock and metal scene they're not very heavy at all. As I Lay Dying, however, seems to consistently rank very high on the awesomeness scale. Shredding guitars and speedy double bass abound. They tend to produce awesome songs about generally relatable things, only using badass language and metaphors.

"Like the dead rising from an open grave" for example. You'll never see Skillet do that.

2. Song Message.

As I Lay Dying will occasionally write a song that belies a Christian point of view in the writer, for example "Anodyne Sea", but even when they do this it doesn't feel preachy or even overly focused on the religion. Even Anodyne Sea, a song written about the modern trials of being a Christian in a largely secular world, can only be interpreted as a Christian song after the listener knows the band members are Christian. Before then, its perfectly acceptable as any other song. Skillet, however, has a tendency to consistently use the traditional, cliched uplifting sentiments that Christian rock has already been using for a while now.

3. On the matter of metal.

If you're a Christian, nothing says you can't play heavy metal. Religious background doesn't really influence anything about you as a person. However, if you're in a band specifically focused at putting forth a Christian message, using the genre of music most commonly endorsed by Satan is probably a misstep.

Hell, the damn symbol of the genre is the human method of replicating the sign of the goat, a bodily metaphor for the inverted pentagram.


Besides, the music itself seems better suited for the Devil, in the sense that it's a music about the passionate pursuit of defending one's right to be an individual. You can't spell metal without me. Lucifer's choice to rebel, to scorn the powers of order and creation in favor of personal choice, happened to fit the high levels of emotion and intensity of metal. Being subservient and nice to your neighbors is a great thing to do and all, but it doesn't go well with double bass.


Christian metal, stop living a lie.


I understand that even using the words "Christian" and "metal" in the same blog post is asking for a flame war. If you're reading this, don't be stupid.

Viva la metal, let the flame wars commence.

VII: How to Take Over The Universe / Silly Thing #1

Well, that settles it. The Zerg have won the contest, and now collectively hold the throne as the most metal being/species in the universe.

If there was a way to say "congratulations" in Zerg, I would, but I don't know enough about savage space-parasite linguistics for that, so there we are.

It was a pretty close call between Ozzy and the Zerg. I guess the Zerg rush applies to voting too. But seriously, nobody even voted for Eddie? What the fuck?


Well, I suppose it's fitting; I mean if any one race or species were to consume all known life, it would definitely be the Zerg for any number of reasons listed below. And consuming all known life is pretty badass.

1. Exceptionally hard to kill

Normally, viruses fall into a gray area between alive and dead, as they lack the ability to be alive on their own, yet they cannot die. The Zerg fall into an area that's even more gray, because they're somewhere between a virus and a biological life form that consists of teeth, spikes, and a carapace. By that I mean every creature in the Zerg swarm used to belong to other species; dogs, lizards, Terrans, etc. They infect any and all life forms with the Zerg virus, and then get another follower in their ranks. Even if you kill a Zerg (by anything other than fire) you haven't destroyed the disease, and in the process one of your men has likely become infected.

2. Exceptionally good at killing

The Zerg can fuck shit up. No question about it. Whether it's by shooting spikes or maiming and slashing with claws, there isn't much that can stand against the furious, never-ending onslaught of the swarm. With their brutal savagery and more teeth and claws than a gang of velociraptors, they were a serious threat even before they got organized. But then...

3. Kerrigan, Queen of Blades

The Zerg were always a terrifying, powerful presence, capable of infesting entire planets. However, recently a certain Ghost special operative was abandoned in the midst of the swarm and consumed. One would think that she'd be torn apart and never seen again...but the Overmind, the hive mind of the Zerg race, had a plan, and as such infected Kerrigan with the Zerg virus. Soon enough the Overmind was destroyed, but in it's place was the newly-formed Queen of Blades, Kerrigan. She has complete control of all the Zerg swarm, and has devastating psionic powers from her Ghost training. Not even Zeratul, the single most badass being in the entire universe, can stop her. And neither can you.

4. Space Travel

What's that? You think you're safe over there in the solar system? Yeah, there's no such thing as "safe" from the Zerg, because those fuckers can fly through space. Through raw strength or mystical powers or some sort of magic they can break through the surly bonds of gravity and actually fly through space. With no suit, no propulsion, no nothing. Honestly that's some H.P. Lovecraft bullshit right there. Any cutscene in Starcraft will show you scourges, devourers, and mutalisks flying through space without a care for the lack of air or gravity.

5. Unification

The Zerg have always had strength in numbers, but for a while there were several cerebrates (special organisms subservient to the Overmind that each control portions of the swarm). Now, through scheming and manipulation, Kerrigan has had all of the cerebrates executed, so that she is the sole controller of the entire swarm. Let me rephrase that. The Zerg were a terrifying threat when it was only a few broods here and there: now the entire species is united as one merciless, bloodthirsty wave of spikes, fangs, and scythe-like appendages.


With these things in mind, it's not a surprise that the Zerg won. Also, supporters of the Zerg are at their computers anyway, it's only likely that they did the most voting.






But that can't be all that this blog post is about. It's too...focused. And also this is only part 2 after last week, so I'm going to augment that with a little sidenote. This blog is called "Metal (And Other Silly Things)," and so I feel it is my duty to introduce...


Silly Thing #1: The Kraft Easy-Mac Microwaveable Mac and Cheese Process: An Experience from Start to Finish.


Step 1: Read information on side of microwave-friendly bowl.
At first glance, it seems simple enough: put the bowl in the microwave for three minutes, and you'll get mac and cheese. However, after a moment of thought you become aware of a deep complexity that is beyond your understanding. Just HOW is it making macaroni in such a short amount of time? What exactly IS that cheese sauce? And how do they get it to taste so cheesy? The skepticism sets in early. “Three minutes? For mac and cheese? ALREADY IN A BOWL?”


Step 2: The Fill Line
After careful decoding, the instructions on the side of the bowl suggest the existence of a “fill line” to which water must be filled. However, when you look inside the bowl, you feel a pit in your stomach upon realizing that the "fill line" is very hard to see and even harder to use to judge fullness. You do your best to accurately fill the bowl. You've tried to make this before and you know that if you're even a little bit off the whole thing becomes a horrible mess of soggy macaroni and broken dreams. A quick glance into the contents of the bowl provide a sudden panic attack- there is a strange white powder amidst the questionable-looking macaroni. What the fuck are you about to do to yourself?

Step 3: Microwaving.
You press a button and sit anxiously while your fate is decided.

Step 4: Mixing Pt. 1
Remove the bowl from the microwave, and stir the water and macaroni as instructed. The skepticism that you're trying to deny increases here at a violent pace. Not only is the water extremely hot, but what is inside the water does not look like mac and cheese – in fact, it doesn’t even look edible. The instructions tell you to have faith and put the cheese powder pack in.

Step 5: Cheese Sauce?
You open the pack. You immediately regret opening the pack, as all that's inside is bright orange dust. You pour it into the bowl, praying that there is a God and that he’s looking out for your mac and cheese.

Step 6: Mixing Pt. 2
You mix the powder, the macaroni, and the water into a visually nauseating mix of orange goo and awkward-looking pieces of elbow macaroni. There's unappetizing amounts of powder chunking together and you regret releasing this abomination on the world. But as you stir, something wonderful happens.

Step 7: Redemption
The cheese sauce thickens and starts to look delicious, just like the side of the bowl said! The prophecy has been fulfilled! And you were a skeptic.

Step 8: Eat
Use a spoon to shove the delicious concoction into your face-hole.

Step 9: Aftermath
Hate yourself for how much you enjoyed your disgusting microwave mac and cheese.








Okay, so that wasn't particularly metal. I promise I'll make up for it next time.

Viva la metal! And mac and cheese! \m/

VI: The Most Metal Being in the Universe

Greetings. I bet you guys thought I'd just make a brief reprisal of this blog, then let it die again. However, that isn't the case. It's time for some legit devotion up in here.

So, in accordance with my most recent poll, I must explain to you all that the only reason I stopped blogging on this was because I died a most horrible death. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that someone opened the Hellgate and I had to seal it using a ritual written in my own blood, which promptly caused me to die from blood loss. But after enough time in the ground, I decided I'd rather just come back and be even MORE metal.

...So, I did that.


*cough* *cough* Anyway! The topic for this week is one I've been tossing around for a while, and I guess it's technically a two-parter because if it's a contest then a winner has to be declared, right?

Right.

And thus it begins: The official MaOST Most Metal Being in the Universe competition! Many will compete! Many shall perish! Only one will be worthy of being the subject of a very heavy concept album.

Challenger #1: Cho'Gath, Terror of the Void.

If you play League of Legends, you already know why Cho'Gath is on this list, and if you don't, you will soon. As if the Lovecraftian nature of his name isn't enough, I've included a picture to demonstrate.



If you can't see well enough, yes, he's got four arms- two pincers and two scythe-like appendages. He's a being of unimaginable terror that exists in the Void, and as such has achieved dominion there through his reign of terror. Cho'Gath can summon an explosion of spikes from the earth or silence his foes with a terrible scream...

Oh yeah, and he can eat his victims and grow larger and stronger on their bodies.

Let me say that one more time. Cho'Gath has a move called "Feast" and if it hits successfully, the target is killed and DEVOURED BY CHO'GATH, who then grows in size. Brutal.




Challenger #2: Colossus, of the X-Men


Colossus is here not out of motivation or particular badassery, but I mean, honestly...



The man is actually made of metal. And, to be fair, he can punch people until they explode.




Challenger #3: Eddie the Head

How many zombies do you know? Oh yeah? Well, how many zombies do you know that love killing, so much so that they've fought in every war of mankind ever? Eddie has. Not to mention that he's the mascot of one of the best metal bands to ever dominate the world for 15 years.



Also, he can play bass. And Eddie's also the only contestant in this competition who's ever been a cloud and a cyborg in the same decade.



Challenger #4: The Zerg

I say "the Zerg" collectively, as opposed to an Ultralisk or Kerrigan, the Queen of Blades, because they're of a hive-mind mentality. Of course, Kerrigan can control the whole swarm now that the Overmind is dead, but that's besides the point. The Zerg is a combination of a biological species and a virus, infecting all organic life and adding more spikes, teeth, and general killing ability. For example, this used to be a dog.



In addition, the Zerg are one of the most evolutionarily superior races ever created in the universe, as they can subsist on virtually nothing for a long time, have very active regenerative powers, and can even travel through space unaided. That's more than anyone can say about the Protoss or the Terrans.

...also, they can do this.




Challenger #5: Ozzy Osbourne

The self-proclaimed prince of darkness, and actual inventor of heavy metal.



More than enough has been said about Ozzy already, but this is a man who not only led the band that kicked off heavy metal, but then took it even further after they kicked him out. And on top of that, he bites the head off of anything that can fit in his maw- doves, bats, children, you name it. However, he's no match for...



Challenger #666: Satan

The actual prince of darkness, and self-proclaimed inventor of heavy metal.



Despite the fact that much of what we know about Lucifer's actions and appearance aren't ACTUALLY in the Bible, he still ranks very high in this contest. Few can shred out a solo like Old Scratch can, and he deceives and tempts fools and the over-ambitious alike with his sordid, malicious deals. Powerful enough to oppose God and start a rebellion for individualism, and petty enough to hold a grudge against mankind for eternity. He lives in fire and breathes ice. He eternally feasts on Brutus, Cassius, and Judas. He writes riffs for Lamb of God in his spare time.

Hell, without him there would probably be no metal. Or at least no horns to throw up at concerts. \m/



Challenger #7: Cthulhu, High Priest of the Old Gods

Picture this: a massive, slimy green gargoyle with decaying leathery wings, a hunched over body, long claws, and an octopus for a head. Now give that being a psychic presence so terrible that merely his dreaming can send sensitives wailing into the psych ward. And top it all off with the fact that he's the high priest of the elder race of gods, and will summon them all back here once the planets are right.



Oh, also there's the fact that he can never die. He can just reconstitute himself and come back at you with claws and tentacles and a psionic assault. And I haven't even mentioned his children, the Star-Spawn. Don't even ask.

Of course, if Cthulhu was to win this competition for his obvious metal overtones, he'd have an asterisk next to his name saying "*Note: Unfair advantage, exists in inconceivable dimensions." He's like the Barry Bonds of metal beings.



Challenger #8: Ganondorf, the Great King of Evil

At one point, he was merely an overambitious king of the Gerudos, a race of desert thieves. However, that ambition led him to want more and more power. Soon he consolidated power over the Gerudos, and then swiftly took his onslaught to Hyrule. This is a mighty kingdom, gifted by the fucking goddesses of the land and that's STILL not enough to stop him and his minions. And just when it can't get any worse? This happens.



He gets even more powerful by using their very own sacred artifact. Ganondorf acquires the Triforce of Power, and as such becomes an unstoppable force of evil. Of course, the Triforce has failsafes built into it and as such splits into three parts, a la Ocarina of Time, but it's already too late: the man known as Ganondorf is no longer just a man. Within him, the core of his evil and the Triforce of Power have combined, making him into the warthog demon known as Ganon.



He has limitless power, and is basically unkillable once he reaches this form. All you can do is seal him away for eons, but that won't do any good because (courtesy of The Wind Waker) he'll just come back eventually and destroy the whole fucking kingdom.

You see all that water in The Wind Waker? Every drop is proof of Ganon's victory over Hyrule. Yeah, that's right- he's the only villain who's ever won.





The winner?

You tell me! There's a new poll at the bottom of the page. Find out next week!

Until next time, keep on headbanging.

Viva la metal!

V: A Return to Form / "Metalphors"

Greetings, acolytes of metal. I was thinking about being gone for so long, and I just read that "Sorry for disappearing but I'm back now" post, and decided that while it's fairly metal, it doesn't actually discuss anything metal per se (unless you count exhuming your own corpse and returning from the dead.) And plus, it's not exactly fair to just come back with a short little post that's basically saying "Hey guys, I'm back but don't expect a real post until next week."

Fuck that. I'm going to produce a normal length, metal-as-steel post so this is the official metal return to form.

Also, I'm thinking of changing the name from "Metal (And Other Silly Things)" to "Mind Over Metal." More on that later.

Anyway, I figure it would be a fertile topic to talk a little bit about what goes into one of these blogs, particularly my focus on metaphors. Such a topic contains several good points, and lots of excuses to make metal metaphors.

(I fucking love alliteration.)
((Which is a pretty nifty segue.))




\m/ -Metallic Metaphors- \m/

When writing a metal blog, it should be obvious that intense, metal comparisons and explanations are required. Even if the subject in question is markedly un-metal, there's always a way to roll it up into a clever witticism that sounds like it could be spouted from the mouth of Satan. For example, I enjoy incense. Incense makes a room smell nice when you burn it. Not very metal, right?

But...tweak it a little bit...

"I often burn DRAGON'S BLOOD in my chambers, for no other reason than because I enjoy the smell."

That's right. In a matter of seconds, that went from me commenting about how I like my room to smell dainty and sweet to me boasting about how I kill dragons and harvest their blood. Anything can be made metal: anything from burning incense to the brutality of polite conversation, even to eating fruit!

Yeah, you heard me right. Eating fruit. You don't believe me?

Every day, thousands of beings are plucked from the security of their homes and shipped to foreign lands, where giants cut them open, scoop out their organs and unborn children, and cut their hollow bodies into pieces- to be devoured one by one.

That's some Cannibal Corpse shit right there.


VIVA LA METAL.

IV: Back From the Dead

(with a sudden rush of putrefied air from the lungs, and a shambling thrust out of the ground...)

GAH. Holy shit, it's been a while since I was down there.

Ahem. So allow me to explain my temporary disappearance. I'd like to say something witty, claiming that I was on a sabbatical through Hell as any good metal-head should be now and then. Unfortunately, the truth is much less spectacular- sophomore year of college has seen to it that I be drowning in work as often as possible. I was failing, and decided to put this on hold for a while. At which point, to be honest, I forgot about it. My once noble and inspired attempt at blogging about metal fell between the cracks of my hippocampus, obscured by Java algorithms and an endless array of "for" and "while" loops.

Until a good friend of mine told me I haven't written a blog in a while.

...and then I checked my blog. And found comments. AND FOLLOWERS.

HOLY SHIT, PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ THIS.



The poll this week will be "What do you think is the best excuse for my absence?" because I can't think of anything better. ^_^


Anyway, yeah. Sorry for disappearing guys, you can bet I won't let it happen again now that I have something to keep me in it: fans. Fans are the driving force behind metal, the steam that powers its infernal engines. Keep those horns up, folks.

For you all and myself, regardless of temporary abandonment or asphyxiation by an overwhelming amount of work, there is only one solution: metal.

MIND OVER METAL.

III: Keep Metal Pure!

Poll Stuff :

Another winner by a wide margin, this week's "Who's a better guitarist?" poll showed that most people like Dave Mustaine of Megadeth just as much as I do. So, I figured I'd provide a little bit of soundtrack for you voters as you willingly waste your free time on my blog. It's the least I could do. The poll of this week will be "Which Instrument is Most Crucial to Heavy Metal?" Not to sound demanding, but GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE! VOTE!






Now that I have Dave's furious fretwork in the background, I can go into a topic on metal.

(If you enjoy the music of ICP and are easily offended by criticism, by reading this you consent to not get all bitchy towards me. I'm looking at you, Juggalos. Reading forward and/or picking a fight with me without doing so will put you at a risk of me being super annoyed.)


You may not know this about me, but I despise the Insane Clown Posse. On the whole I don't consider rap to be a form of music at all, so as a musician it's offensive enough to be regarded with people like Soulja Boy and 50 Cent, let alone ICP. But, the pain for similarities I have with ICP goes so much deeper, as they have the gall to claim that they are "metal."

This screams at me like the collective wail of a thousand nails on Satan's chalkboard.

Certain bands can pull off makeup very, very well. To cite a few examples, Kiss, Basically any death metal band wearing corpse paint, and of course the almighty Lordi. But ICP essentially tries to pass themselves off as psychotic clowns, and this image is very well reinforced by the makeup. The insane, ranting lyrics and total lack of musical awesomeness only serves as a bonus on top of this.

There is good rap. And then there is bad rap. There is a whole assortment of good metal. And then there is also bad metal. ICP, my friends, does the unthinkable in combining the bad elements between both.

Have you ever heard the phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none"? My guess is ICP has not, or has simply decided to cut out the middle man and be terrible from the get-go.


(If you enjoy the music of Brokencyde and are easily offended by criticism, by reading this you consent to not get all bitchy towards me. I'm looking at you, scene girls. Reading forward and/or picking a fight with me without doing so will put you at a risk of me being super annoyed.)


The only band to have surpassed them in general suckitude is, of course, Brokencyde. No one seems to be able to tell if this band is serious or not. That is a problem. If you had a society in which people began looking at Weird Al as a serious musician, something would be wrong. Likewise, there are many who seem to take Brokencyde as not only a legitimate musical band, but also one of the best bands around.

What the hell? Are you stupid or something?

Here we are presented with two choices :

A) Brokencyde is legitimately trying to make a musical effort, that's just how they sound.

At this point, I would like to formally give up on humanity in regards to music. You've failed.

B) It's just a joke, you shouldn't take it so seriously. Do you think anyone would legitimately make such awful music?

If this is the case, I will be glad that I can still believe in humanity, but there are definitely people who like the band. And the fact that it's crunk combined with "metal" makes me want to vomit everywhere, loudly and violently. And the fact that they actually have a fan base makes me question the existence of the Gods of Metal.


I guess what I'm saying here is that while combining things with metal can be a very positive experience (sex & metal, techno & metal, pop punk & metal), not everything will come out well after the combination. Metal is like a hot dog - delicious and awesome on its own, commonly paired with ketchup (thrash) or mustard (death) or often both. Can sometimes be enjoyed with relish, onions, or sauerkraut (other genres of metal). However, you don't put peanut butter or jelly on a hotdog.

And if you do, go over there and listen to your "crunkcore." And while you're at it go buy some Manic Panic, slip into a pair of skinny jeans, and take thousands of pictures to put on your Facebook under lyrical album titles.

I don't know about you, but I'll keep my metal the way I have always known it - Straightforward, furious, and empowering, marching onwards with just enough room in the army for you to tag along.

VIVA LA METAL!

II: On Crafting the Perfect Guitar Solo

First of all, the winner of the poll "What do you think is the best sub-genre of metal?" was, by a long shot, death metal. I couldn't agree more, guys. And as a result, my next post is going to be about some aspect of death metal. I've posted a new poll. It can be found at the bottom of this page. Would you really read this and not vote? Tsk tsk tsk.


As I’m sure many of you know, at the forefront of metal is the guitar (or sometimes known as the “axe”). This is a mighty tool, capable of igniting a previously dull crowd into a swarming mass of violence, headbanging, and fury if used correctly. However, it is a double-edged sword – if you don’t know how to use it, a guitar not only makes you look weak and impotent, but it can cause the crowd to turn on you in an instant. Nothing can ruin a song quicker than a crappy guitar solo.
In case you don’t know me personally, or for some reason doubt that I am a credible source of guitar knowledge, I hereby direct you to a website of my music. ( www.myspace.com/billriggio ) If you need proof that I know what I’m talking about, boom, there it is. The ball’s in your court now, you distrustful, cynical bastard. Anyway, not everyone can be a musical prodigy at guitar, so for the sake of your wild-eyed dreams of being an axe-wielding god of metal, I’ve decided to offer up some tips, tricks, and secrets that I’ve accumulated over the years.

1. Length : When it comes to length, beauty lies in balance, not in either extreme of short or long. (Please, I’m begging you; don’t make that into a penis joke.) Immaturity aside, the point here is that it’s crucial to your status as a guitarist that you know exactly how long to make your solo. If you make it too short, by the time people realize that a potentially wicked guitar solo has begun, it’s already over and nobody likes you. If it’s too long, people will get bored and begin to wonder when the next chorus will finally start. You can be an amazingly talented guitarist, but if you solo for too long nobody will care. (I’m looking at you, John Petrucci. You’re still my favorite, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before you get mass appeal with 6 minute solos.)

2. Timing : This is important not because of you or your solo, but rather it’s important because of the rest of the band. There are two moments to any guitar solo that are absolutely crucial, and those are the initial crescendo and the final crescendo. The initial crescendo is that big moment for the first note of the solo. If done correctly, a good guitarist uses this opportunity to send a wailing screech of epicness into the audience, causing their ears to perk and making them ready for the musical glory to follow. (Also, it is acceptable to use some fancy guitar flair before this note. I’ll go more into these later.) The final crescendo, as can be inferred from the name, is the last note of the solo- it should be the climax of intensity right before the song progresses to its next part. The timing of both of these moments is very importantly based on what the rest of your band is doing- if you hit one of those notes too early or too late, everyone in the audience can tell. Expect disgruntled stares and a total lack of awesomeness in the immediate vicinity of you.

3. Scales : The easiest way that you can instantly and drastically improve the quality of your solos is to learn the following scales in order – Natural Minor, Harmonic Minor, Diminished, and Basic Blues. Also, the Phrygian mode. I swear, the Phrygian mode is to metal what Megan Fox is to Transformers – it takes something visually intense, violent, and awesome, and makes it unbelievably sexy. The true value of scales, however, does not lie in the notes of the scale, but rather in the root notes of the scale. Knowing what note the scale starts on makes the difference between an amazing solo and a solo that sounds awkward and just doesn’t fit in. (Although, to be fair, there have been amazing guitarists who never learned a single note of scales.)

4. The Big Finale : I would consider this the most important thing I’ve listed here. If you only learn one thing from wasting your time on my blog, let it be this. The last note you hit in your solo is the most important one. Humans, by nature, have a depressingly short attention span. When you play a solo for the crowd, all that will be fresh in their minds is the last note you hit. If you’ve learned your scales, end on a higher octave of the root note. (In layman’s terms, end your solo on the same note that the scale started on, only at a higher pitch.) A lot of guitarists have a problem with this, especially those who try to emulate Dimebag of Pantera. He never learned any scales, yet always had great solos. If you try to imitate him, for the love of God, end on one of those “sweet notes.” You know, those notes that just sound right. It can be the difference between “Wow, that guy is a really good guitarist! I feel compelled to give him a blowjob” and “Uh…that was weird. Oh well, this chorus makes up for it.” Welcome to Dry-Dick City, population : you. And to think, if you had only listened to my advice…

5. Flourishes and Flair : These are those intricate little trills that you’ll see guitarists throw in now and then. While not ENTIRELY necessary, these are often a good way to show off how talented you are. (Don’t judge, lead guitar is basically all about ego.) Sweep picking, arpeggios, tremolo picking, and all sorts of other fiery little licks here and there can be used to spice up your solo. However, be careful – if you use too many, your solo will sound disjointed and awkward. On the other hand, if you use too little flair, you won’t be very metal. (To clarify, there can be good guitarists with absolutely no flair. For example, Kurt Cobain. But his music was by no stretch of the term “metal”. ) Compare a guitar solo in this example to a cannibal. If the cannibal doesn’t eat enough human flesh, he is malnourished and weak, and can no longer compete with his friends. But if he eats too much human flesh, he gets bloated and unwieldy, causing him to fall behind. Your solo must be like a moderate cannibal! ……that’s pretty metal. I think I should make a death metal band called "Moderate Cannibal."

6. Speed : Simply put, fast guitar solos are impressive and awesome, but I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to see a guitarist have a solo that from start to finish is solely an insanely fast spree of notes rattled off without any regard for rhythm, timing, or human decency. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

So there you go. Now that I’ve spawned an army of Mustaines and Hammetts, I can’t help but feel like I’ve done my part to try and save heavy metal. Well, my weekly work is done.


Viva la metal!

P.S. Think you’re good at guitar? Show me what you got. I DO have a comment box for a reason…

I : Heavy Metal and Why It's Awesome

You know why you're here!

Okay, maybe you don't. But in the event that you do, it's because you appreciate the might and majesty of metal! (I bet that tasty bit of alliteration just made every English major reading this squirm in delight.) If you and metal don't get along, I'd be inclined to question what the hell you were doing reading this, but the fact that you are reading it means that someone, somewhere is validating my blogging, and that's awesome, so I'll try to not scare you away with my pointy, pointy logic.

But in any case, if you do play nice with heavy metal, that makes you just a little bit superior to everyone else. Do you know why? Because at its titanium core, metal is driven by passion.

That fire in your belly that acts up whenever you get pushed down? That little pulse from your Id that whispers "killlllllllll....." in your ear when someone else gets what you want? That desire to not be held down, to control your own life? That, my friend, is the feeling of passion. Not the lovey-dovey, "my heart burns for you eternally" kind of passion, or the "lets fuck right now" kind of passion. Not the kind of passion you find in Latina pop-stars with hips that are apparently quite honest.

I mean the passion that engulfs all that is before it, leaving nothing left but followers to its cause and the ashes of those who dared to oppose it. I speak of METAL.

Whether you're raising your fist in the air, annihilating someone in a particularly violent mosh-pit, banging your head, or just using metal to drown out the frustrations of your life, you're doing something passionate. You're allowing some part of you to still feel, and in a world where everyone is dying from the inside, its nice to feel alive. That's why metal is so awesome, and that is exactly why I've decided to dedicate this blog to spreading the glorious word of metal.

Viva la metal!