III: Keep Metal Pure!

Poll Stuff :

Another winner by a wide margin, this week's "Who's a better guitarist?" poll showed that most people like Dave Mustaine of Megadeth just as much as I do. So, I figured I'd provide a little bit of soundtrack for you voters as you willingly waste your free time on my blog. It's the least I could do. The poll of this week will be "Which Instrument is Most Crucial to Heavy Metal?" Not to sound demanding, but GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE! VOTE!






Now that I have Dave's furious fretwork in the background, I can go into a topic on metal.

(If you enjoy the music of ICP and are easily offended by criticism, by reading this you consent to not get all bitchy towards me. I'm looking at you, Juggalos. Reading forward and/or picking a fight with me without doing so will put you at a risk of me being super annoyed.)


You may not know this about me, but I despise the Insane Clown Posse. On the whole I don't consider rap to be a form of music at all, so as a musician it's offensive enough to be regarded with people like Soulja Boy and 50 Cent, let alone ICP. But, the pain for similarities I have with ICP goes so much deeper, as they have the gall to claim that they are "metal."

This screams at me like the collective wail of a thousand nails on Satan's chalkboard.

Certain bands can pull off makeup very, very well. To cite a few examples, Kiss, Basically any death metal band wearing corpse paint, and of course the almighty Lordi. But ICP essentially tries to pass themselves off as psychotic clowns, and this image is very well reinforced by the makeup. The insane, ranting lyrics and total lack of musical awesomeness only serves as a bonus on top of this.

There is good rap. And then there is bad rap. There is a whole assortment of good metal. And then there is also bad metal. ICP, my friends, does the unthinkable in combining the bad elements between both.

Have you ever heard the phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none"? My guess is ICP has not, or has simply decided to cut out the middle man and be terrible from the get-go.


(If you enjoy the music of Brokencyde and are easily offended by criticism, by reading this you consent to not get all bitchy towards me. I'm looking at you, scene girls. Reading forward and/or picking a fight with me without doing so will put you at a risk of me being super annoyed.)


The only band to have surpassed them in general suckitude is, of course, Brokencyde. No one seems to be able to tell if this band is serious or not. That is a problem. If you had a society in which people began looking at Weird Al as a serious musician, something would be wrong. Likewise, there are many who seem to take Brokencyde as not only a legitimate musical band, but also one of the best bands around.

What the hell? Are you stupid or something?

Here we are presented with two choices :

A) Brokencyde is legitimately trying to make a musical effort, that's just how they sound.

At this point, I would like to formally give up on humanity in regards to music. You've failed.

B) It's just a joke, you shouldn't take it so seriously. Do you think anyone would legitimately make such awful music?

If this is the case, I will be glad that I can still believe in humanity, but there are definitely people who like the band. And the fact that it's crunk combined with "metal" makes me want to vomit everywhere, loudly and violently. And the fact that they actually have a fan base makes me question the existence of the Gods of Metal.


I guess what I'm saying here is that while combining things with metal can be a very positive experience (sex & metal, techno & metal, pop punk & metal), not everything will come out well after the combination. Metal is like a hot dog - delicious and awesome on its own, commonly paired with ketchup (thrash) or mustard (death) or often both. Can sometimes be enjoyed with relish, onions, or sauerkraut (other genres of metal). However, you don't put peanut butter or jelly on a hotdog.

And if you do, go over there and listen to your "crunkcore." And while you're at it go buy some Manic Panic, slip into a pair of skinny jeans, and take thousands of pictures to put on your Facebook under lyrical album titles.

I don't know about you, but I'll keep my metal the way I have always known it - Straightforward, furious, and empowering, marching onwards with just enough room in the army for you to tag along.

VIVA LA METAL!