So, in accordance with my most recent poll, I must explain to you all that the only reason I stopped blogging on this was because I died a most horrible death. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that someone opened the Hellgate and I had to seal it using a ritual written in my own blood, which promptly caused me to die from blood loss. But after enough time in the ground, I decided I'd rather just come back and be even MORE metal.
...So, I did that.
*cough* *cough* Anyway! The topic for this week is one I've been tossing around for a while, and I guess it's technically a two-parter because if it's a contest then a winner has to be declared, right?
Right.
And thus it begins: The official MaOST Most Metal Being in the Universe competition! Many will compete! Many shall perish! Only one will be worthy of being the subject of a very heavy concept album.
Challenger #1: Cho'Gath, Terror of the Void.
If you play League of Legends, you already know why Cho'Gath is on this list, and if you don't, you will soon. As if the Lovecraftian nature of his name isn't enough, I've included a picture to demonstrate.
If you can't see well enough, yes, he's got four arms- two pincers and two scythe-like appendages. He's a being of unimaginable terror that exists in the Void, and as such has achieved dominion there through his reign of terror. Cho'Gath can summon an explosion of spikes from the earth or silence his foes with a terrible scream...
Oh yeah, and he can eat his victims and grow larger and stronger on their bodies.
Let me say that one more time. Cho'Gath has a move called "Feast" and if it hits successfully, the target is killed and DEVOURED BY CHO'GATH, who then grows in size. Brutal.
Challenger #2: Colossus, of the X-Men
Colossus is here not out of motivation or particular badassery, but I mean, honestly...
The man is actually made of metal. And, to be fair, he can punch people until they explode.
Challenger #3: Eddie the Head
How many zombies do you know? Oh yeah? Well, how many zombies do you know that love killing, so much so that they've fought in every war of mankind ever? Eddie has. Not to mention that he's the mascot of one of the best metal bands to ever dominate the world for 15 years.
Also, he can play bass. And Eddie's also the only contestant in this competition who's ever been a cloud and a cyborg in the same decade.
Challenger #4: The Zerg
I say "the Zerg" collectively, as opposed to an Ultralisk or Kerrigan, the Queen of Blades, because they're of a hive-mind mentality. Of course, Kerrigan can control the whole swarm now that the Overmind is dead, but that's besides the point. The Zerg is a combination of a biological species and a virus, infecting all organic life and adding more spikes, teeth, and general killing ability. For example, this used to be a dog.
In addition, the Zerg are one of the most evolutionarily superior races ever created in the universe, as they can subsist on virtually nothing for a long time, have very active regenerative powers, and can even travel through space unaided. That's more than anyone can say about the Protoss or the Terrans.
...also, they can do this.
Challenger #5: Ozzy Osbourne
The self-proclaimed prince of darkness, and actual inventor of heavy metal.
More than enough has been said about Ozzy already, but this is a man who not only led the band that kicked off heavy metal, but then took it even further after they kicked him out. And on top of that, he bites the head off of anything that can fit in his maw- doves, bats, children, you name it. However, he's no match for...
Challenger #666: Satan
The actual prince of darkness, and self-proclaimed inventor of heavy metal.
Despite the fact that much of what we know about Lucifer's actions and appearance aren't ACTUALLY in the Bible, he still ranks very high in this contest. Few can shred out a solo like Old Scratch can, and he deceives and tempts fools and the over-ambitious alike with his sordid, malicious deals. Powerful enough to oppose God and start a rebellion for individualism, and petty enough to hold a grudge against mankind for eternity. He lives in fire and breathes ice. He eternally feasts on Brutus, Cassius, and Judas. He writes riffs for Lamb of God in his spare time.
Hell, without him there would probably be no metal. Or at least no horns to throw up at concerts. \m/
Challenger #7: Cthulhu, High Priest of the Old Gods
Picture this: a massive, slimy green gargoyle with decaying leathery wings, a hunched over body, long claws, and an octopus for a head. Now give that being a psychic presence so terrible that merely his dreaming can send sensitives wailing into the psych ward. And top it all off with the fact that he's the high priest of the elder race of gods, and will summon them all back here once the planets are right.
Oh, also there's the fact that he can never die. He can just reconstitute himself and come back at you with claws and tentacles and a psionic assault. And I haven't even mentioned his children, the Star-Spawn. Don't even ask.
Of course, if Cthulhu was to win this competition for his obvious metal overtones, he'd have an asterisk next to his name saying "*Note: Unfair advantage, exists in inconceivable dimensions." He's like the Barry Bonds of metal beings.
Challenger #8: Ganondorf, the Great King of Evil
At one point, he was merely an overambitious king of the Gerudos, a race of desert thieves. However, that ambition led him to want more and more power. Soon he consolidated power over the Gerudos, and then swiftly took his onslaught to Hyrule. This is a mighty kingdom, gifted by the fucking goddesses of the land and that's STILL not enough to stop him and his minions. And just when it can't get any worse? This happens.
He gets even more powerful by using their very own sacred artifact. Ganondorf acquires the Triforce of Power, and as such becomes an unstoppable force of evil. Of course, the Triforce has failsafes built into it and as such splits into three parts, a la Ocarina of Time, but it's already too late: the man known as Ganondorf is no longer just a man. Within him, the core of his evil and the Triforce of Power have combined, making him into the warthog demon known as Ganon.
He has limitless power, and is basically unkillable once he reaches this form. All you can do is seal him away for eons, but that won't do any good because (courtesy of The Wind Waker) he'll just come back eventually and destroy the whole fucking kingdom.
You see all that water in The Wind Waker? Every drop is proof of Ganon's victory over Hyrule. Yeah, that's right- he's the only villain who's ever won.
The winner?
You tell me! There's a new poll at the bottom of the page. Find out next week!
Until next time, keep on headbanging.
Viva la metal!
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