XIX: 4 Heavy, Dark, KVLT, and Brutal Things (That Totally Aren't)

Greetings, metal fans (and people who read this without liking metal, although to be honest I have no idea why you're here). Sorry about my delayed absence, this entire semester has been like a battle of priorities between which class I want to focus on more, so you can imagine how my blog falls through the cracks sometimes. But this isn't a time for excuses, this is a time to tell you something that must satisfy a few rules:

1. It must be metal (or alternatively, a silly thing).
2. It must be thought-provoking, interesting, or blasphemous.
3. It must include at least one ungracefully horned-in joke.

So, on that note I present to you the subject of this blog: things that are often mistaken for being metal, and frankly some of the mistakes the metal community has made are embarrassing.

THE METAL MYTH:

We all know what this is, right?

I figure this is a good one to start with, as for the last few decades Iron Maiden have successfully ruled over metal with an iron fist. But as to the origin of the name, I'm sure you know how this gruesome piece of torture works...or do you?

THE UNMETAL TRUTH:
Iron maidens, which is to say hollow metal tubes shaped like women with an interior full of spikes, were never actually a valid torture device. The only one ever actually found is likely to be a hoax or a misunderstanding, as there are no records of such an elaborate torture device as this. In reality, medieval torture devices didn't glamorize the brutality like the supposed iron maiden did. Things like thumbscrews and the pear don't make for a grandiose show of the macabre, but they still would absolutely fuck your day up.


THE METAL MYTH:


Ah, the pentagram. The classic, forbidden symbol of evil. The mark of the devil and basically the signature-stamp of Hell, the pentagram invariably finds it's way to metal logos, stage backdrops, and the backs of notebooks of every angsty American teen.

THE UNMETAL TRUTH:
That would be all well and good, except the pentagram isn't evil. This one is really more to the posers, as anyone well versed in metal, demonology, or plain old knowledge can tell you that the pentagram was never associated with the devil. The symbol of the five-pointed star inside a circle was adopted by Wiccans after the recent formation of their religion, but for a while before that it was embraced by Christianity and said to ward off evil.

The confusion lies in the fact that the inverted pentagram was the evil one. A diligent metalhead will know that this inversion of something holy is very metal (but can be deceiving, as we'll see later on). This is essentially a metal poser-trap, because you can only be so KVLT while you're warding off evil.

And on that note...

THE METAL MYTH:


The inverted cross is a famous choice of black, doom, and generally Satanic bands and metalheads all over the world, and why wouldn't it be? Taking a symbol as sacred and dignified as the cross and turning it on it's head? Surely this is the equivalent of shredding out a guitar solo and then raising your middle finger high in the air, as a direct affront to God.

THE UNMETAL TRUTH:
Except what if it's not?

As it turns out, the inverted cross was a symbol from a very long time ago. It is also referred to as a "Cross of St. Peter", because when St. Peter was going to be crucified, he considered himself not holy enough to die the same way as Jesus, and requested to be crucified upside-down. As if his thoughts on man humbling himself to the holiness of Jesus weren't non-metal enough, there's one organization that really liked that image and what it represented, and well...



That's right, the famous black metal symbol of defiance against the church has been the symbol of the papacy since it started, because we all know there's no one more diabolical and KVLT than the man in the elongated hat.


THE METAL MYTH:
If you've been paying attention, you know where I'm going with this next one. I'd
like to pay the proper metal respect beforehand by offering a sacrifice of awesome.

\m/ \m/

The sign of the horns. The most iconic of all the heavy metal imagery. The popularity of this gesture is not even limited to metal, as its evil is so powerful it can't be stopped from infiltrating other genres.

THE UNMETAL TRUTH:
It's a way of asking for a safety from a curse, and actually grants protection from evil.

The gesture has risen in several areas of the world, but most prominently in Italy. In a country so rich with old-world magic you can never be too prepared, and the sign of the horns wards off curses, the most famous and potent of which is the malocchio, or the evil eye. The evil eye, as any Italian will tell you, is both a real threat and terrifying. However, for some reason squinting with one eye, staring with the other, and casting death-curses never really caught on as a hip thing to do on stage.

Certain big-name stars really latched onto the signs of the horns, like some now forgotten earlier bands and some huge icons. Like...



I don't care if it's not brutal or evil, if it's good enough for Dio, it's good enough for me.

Viva la metal!

XVIII: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Ia, ia, Cthulhu fhtagn.

I've talked about the sheer metal that is Cthulhu before, but I haven't really done him proper justice. Tonight I happen to be a tad freaked out about Cthulhu, so I figured I'd blog about him and how he totally fucking exists. Even as I type this he's fucking with me, and I'll explain that too. But first, you need to hear this.



That's "The Bloop", an infamous noise recorded from somewhere deep in the ocean, at the coordinates South 50° and west 100°. If it sounds weird, it's because that version was sped up times 16 because the real version was much deeper, much slower, and more importantly, much louder. In fact, this was so loud that it was heard by three different aquatic recorders about 5,000 kilometers apart. If you'd like to venture a guess what could be making this noise, go ahead. If not, I suggest you play this in the background while you read the following text.



Due to the wavelength of the deep, loud noise, scientists can tell that it was made by a life form, and due to the deepness of the frequency and the fact that this thing called out through the entire ocean means they can label it as "pants-shittingly gigantic", at the very least several times bigger than the blue whale.


The infamous statue. If you know what this is you'll probably appreciate this whole post more.

As if it wasn't obviously enough Cthulhu, the coordinates are very close to the location of his ancient, sunken city R'lyeh. If you're not familiar with the story, Cthulhu is the High Priest of the Old Gods, ancient beings of incredible power. But this power got away from them, and they expelled themselves from the universe; all but Cthulhu. As the High Priest, he knew of a spell to summon them back, but he would have to wait many millenia for the planets to align. As such, he now resides sleeping in his sunken underwater city, not dead but dreaming. And you know what that deep, loud, prolonged noise is?

He's just talking in his sleep.

Cthulhu is known for his psionic attacks, because as an Old God, his power is so terrible that merely his dreaming causes occasional nightmares, visions, and insanity to those sensitive to his calling from the deeps.

So if by reading this you get Cthulhu nightmares, it might be because it's scary. It might be because you had it on your mind. Or it might be that you just became aware of something that had been nagging at your subconscious for a while. The threat is real, friends, and the fact that he's stirring does not bode well for us at all.



All in all, he'd still get my vote.
Ia ia fhtagn!