Well, that settles it. The Zerg have won the contest, and now collectively hold the throne as the most metal being/species in the universe.
If there was a way to say "congratulations" in Zerg, I would, but I don't know enough about savage space-parasite linguistics for that, so there we are.
It was a pretty close call between Ozzy and the Zerg. I guess the Zerg rush applies to voting too. But seriously, nobody even voted for Eddie? What the fuck?
Well, I suppose it's fitting; I mean if any one race or species were to consume all known life, it would definitely be the Zerg for any number of reasons listed below. And consuming all known life is pretty badass.
1. Exceptionally hard to kill
Normally, viruses fall into a gray area between alive and dead, as they lack the ability to be alive on their own, yet they cannot die. The Zerg fall into an area that's even more gray, because they're somewhere between a virus and a biological life form that consists of teeth, spikes, and a carapace. By that I mean every creature in the Zerg swarm used to belong to other species; dogs, lizards, Terrans, etc. They infect any and all life forms with the Zerg virus, and then get another follower in their ranks. Even if you kill a Zerg (by anything other than fire) you haven't destroyed the disease, and in the process one of your men has likely become infected.
2. Exceptionally good at killing
The Zerg can fuck shit up. No question about it. Whether it's by shooting spikes or maiming and slashing with claws, there isn't much that can stand against the furious, never-ending onslaught of the swarm. With their brutal savagery and more teeth and claws than a gang of velociraptors, they were a serious threat even before they got organized. But then...
3. Kerrigan, Queen of Blades
The Zerg were always a terrifying, powerful presence, capable of infesting entire planets. However, recently a certain Ghost special operative was abandoned in the midst of the swarm and consumed. One would think that she'd be torn apart and never seen again...but the Overmind, the hive mind of the Zerg race, had a plan, and as such infected Kerrigan with the Zerg virus. Soon enough the Overmind was destroyed, but in it's place was the newly-formed Queen of Blades, Kerrigan. She has complete control of all the Zerg swarm, and has devastating psionic powers from her Ghost training. Not even Zeratul, the single most badass being in the entire universe, can stop her. And neither can you.
4. Space Travel
What's that? You think you're safe over there in the solar system? Yeah, there's no such thing as "safe" from the Zerg, because those fuckers can fly through space. Through raw strength or mystical powers or some sort of magic they can break through the surly bonds of gravity and actually fly through space. With no suit, no propulsion, no nothing. Honestly that's some H.P. Lovecraft bullshit right there. Any cutscene in Starcraft will show you scourges, devourers, and mutalisks flying through space without a care for the lack of air or gravity.
5. Unification
The Zerg have always had strength in numbers, but for a while there were several cerebrates (special organisms subservient to the Overmind that each control portions of the swarm). Now, through scheming and manipulation, Kerrigan has had all of the cerebrates executed, so that she is the sole controller of the entire swarm. Let me rephrase that. The Zerg were a terrifying threat when it was only a few broods here and there: now the entire species is united as one merciless, bloodthirsty wave of spikes, fangs, and scythe-like appendages.
With these things in mind, it's not a surprise that the Zerg won. Also, supporters of the Zerg are at their computers anyway, it's only likely that they did the most voting.
But that can't be all that this blog post is about. It's too...focused. And also this is only part 2 after last week, so I'm going to augment that with a little sidenote. This blog is called "Metal (And Other Silly Things)," and so I feel it is my duty to introduce...
Silly Thing #1: The Kraft Easy-Mac Microwaveable Mac and Cheese Process: An Experience from Start to Finish.
Step 1: Read information on side of microwave-friendly bowl.
At first glance, it seems simple enough: put the bowl in the microwave for three minutes, and you'll get mac and cheese. However, after a moment of thought you become aware of a deep complexity that is beyond your understanding. Just HOW is it making macaroni in such a short amount of time? What exactly IS that cheese sauce? And how do they get it to taste so cheesy? The skepticism sets in early. “Three minutes? For mac and cheese? ALREADY IN A BOWL?”
Step 2: The Fill Line
After careful decoding, the instructions on the side of the bowl suggest the existence of a “fill line” to which water must be filled. However, when you look inside the bowl, you feel a pit in your stomach upon realizing that the "fill line" is very hard to see and even harder to use to judge fullness. You do your best to accurately fill the bowl. You've tried to make this before and you know that if you're even a little bit off the whole thing becomes a horrible mess of soggy macaroni and broken dreams. A quick glance into the contents of the bowl provide a sudden panic attack- there is a strange white powder amidst the questionable-looking macaroni. What the fuck are you about to do to yourself?
Step 3: Microwaving.
You press a button and sit anxiously while your fate is decided.
Step 4: Mixing Pt. 1
Remove the bowl from the microwave, and stir the water and macaroni as instructed. The skepticism that you're trying to deny increases here at a violent pace. Not only is the water extremely hot, but what is inside the water does not look like mac and cheese – in fact, it doesn’t even look edible. The instructions tell you to have faith and put the cheese powder pack in.
Step 5: Cheese Sauce?
You open the pack. You immediately regret opening the pack, as all that's inside is bright orange dust. You pour it into the bowl, praying that there is a God and that he’s looking out for your mac and cheese.
Step 6: Mixing Pt. 2
You mix the powder, the macaroni, and the water into a visually nauseating mix of orange goo and awkward-looking pieces of elbow macaroni. There's unappetizing amounts of powder chunking together and you regret releasing this abomination on the world. But as you stir, something wonderful happens.
Step 7: Redemption
The cheese sauce thickens and starts to look delicious, just like the side of the bowl said! The prophecy has been fulfilled! And you were a skeptic.
Step 8: Eat
Use a spoon to shove the delicious concoction into your face-hole.
Step 9: Aftermath
Hate yourself for how much you enjoyed your disgusting microwave mac and cheese.
Okay, so that wasn't particularly metal. I promise I'll make up for it next time.
Viva la metal! And mac and cheese! \m/
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