Uh...hey. So my class schedule got switched this week (due to Thanksgiving) so that Wednesday classes were on Monday, and I accidentally wrote a blog entry in the class I usually do, thinking it felt like a Wednesday.
That post is here.
http://metalandothersillythings.blogspot.com/2010/11/viii-devil-in-gods-country.html
Until then, I don't think I really need to put up another one...just go read that. And think about what happens next time. The winner of the poll looks like it's going to be the Seven Deadly Sins, so I think I can come up with something metal about that. Like what if they were in a band or something. And if not, well, I'll think of something.
Viva la metal! Oh, and happy Thanksgiving. In the spirit of metal, savor the deliciousness while trying to relish the many years of toil and bloodshed that your turkey symbolizes.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
VIII: A Devil In God's Country
Well, well, well. It seems to be that time of the week again. I'm listening to a lot of Dio right now (for reasons which shall be disclosed in about a week) and also making mac and cheese while I write this post, so I'm a little busy. But part of coming back to life meant swearing a blood-oath to Thor and the other gods of metal that I'd resurrect this blog with me.
\m/ Let it be done.
The winner of last week's poll, and the subject of this week's post, is Christian metal.
Now, I'd like to make a difference clear right now, in the sense that there is a huge difference between a Christian metal band (which is a genre type, like Christian rock) and a metal band whose members happen to be Christian. Some people will be callous and heavy-handed enough to assume that the two are one and the same, but they're both wrong AND stupid.
For example, I propose two musical groups for comparison.
Skillet, a Christian hard rock/metal band.
As I Lay Dying, a melodic metalcore band of Christians.
What are the differences here? Let's see via comparison.
1. General Awesomeness.
Skillet's music on the whole isn't very awesome. It largely contains motifs of being broken yet being able to be made whole...which is poetic and uplifting and stuff, but simply is not very metal. In fact for a band that likes to identify with the hard rock and metal scene they're not very heavy at all. As I Lay Dying, however, seems to consistently rank very high on the awesomeness scale. Shredding guitars and speedy double bass abound. They tend to produce awesome songs about generally relatable things, only using badass language and metaphors.
"Like the dead rising from an open grave" for example. You'll never see Skillet do that.
2. Song Message.
As I Lay Dying will occasionally write a song that belies a Christian point of view in the writer, for example "Anodyne Sea", but even when they do this it doesn't feel preachy or even overly focused on the religion. Even Anodyne Sea, a song written about the modern trials of being a Christian in a largely secular world, can only be interpreted as a Christian song after the listener knows the band members are Christian. Before then, its perfectly acceptable as any other song. Skillet, however, has a tendency to consistently use the traditional, cliched uplifting sentiments that Christian rock has already been using for a while now.
3. On the matter of metal.
If you're a Christian, nothing says you can't play heavy metal. Religious background doesn't really influence anything about you as a person. However, if you're in a band specifically focused at putting forth a Christian message, using the genre of music most commonly endorsed by Satan is probably a misstep.
Hell, the damn symbol of the genre is the human method of replicating the sign of the goat, a bodily metaphor for the inverted pentagram.
Besides, the music itself seems better suited for the Devil, in the sense that it's a music about the passionate pursuit of defending one's right to be an individual. You can't spell metal without me. Lucifer's choice to rebel, to scorn the powers of order and creation in favor of personal choice, happened to fit the high levels of emotion and intensity of metal. Being subservient and nice to your neighbors is a great thing to do and all, but it doesn't go well with double bass.
Christian metal, stop living a lie.
I understand that even using the words "Christian" and "metal" in the same blog post is asking for a flame war. If you're reading this, don't be stupid.
Viva la metal, let the flame wars commence.
\m/ Let it be done.
The winner of last week's poll, and the subject of this week's post, is Christian metal.
Now, I'd like to make a difference clear right now, in the sense that there is a huge difference between a Christian metal band (which is a genre type, like Christian rock) and a metal band whose members happen to be Christian. Some people will be callous and heavy-handed enough to assume that the two are one and the same, but they're both wrong AND stupid.
For example, I propose two musical groups for comparison.
Skillet, a Christian hard rock/metal band.
As I Lay Dying, a melodic metalcore band of Christians.
What are the differences here? Let's see via comparison.
1. General Awesomeness.
Skillet's music on the whole isn't very awesome. It largely contains motifs of being broken yet being able to be made whole...which is poetic and uplifting and stuff, but simply is not very metal. In fact for a band that likes to identify with the hard rock and metal scene they're not very heavy at all. As I Lay Dying, however, seems to consistently rank very high on the awesomeness scale. Shredding guitars and speedy double bass abound. They tend to produce awesome songs about generally relatable things, only using badass language and metaphors.
"Like the dead rising from an open grave" for example. You'll never see Skillet do that.
2. Song Message.
As I Lay Dying will occasionally write a song that belies a Christian point of view in the writer, for example "Anodyne Sea", but even when they do this it doesn't feel preachy or even overly focused on the religion. Even Anodyne Sea, a song written about the modern trials of being a Christian in a largely secular world, can only be interpreted as a Christian song after the listener knows the band members are Christian. Before then, its perfectly acceptable as any other song. Skillet, however, has a tendency to consistently use the traditional, cliched uplifting sentiments that Christian rock has already been using for a while now.
3. On the matter of metal.
If you're a Christian, nothing says you can't play heavy metal. Religious background doesn't really influence anything about you as a person. However, if you're in a band specifically focused at putting forth a Christian message, using the genre of music most commonly endorsed by Satan is probably a misstep.
Hell, the damn symbol of the genre is the human method of replicating the sign of the goat, a bodily metaphor for the inverted pentagram.
Besides, the music itself seems better suited for the Devil, in the sense that it's a music about the passionate pursuit of defending one's right to be an individual. You can't spell metal without me. Lucifer's choice to rebel, to scorn the powers of order and creation in favor of personal choice, happened to fit the high levels of emotion and intensity of metal. Being subservient and nice to your neighbors is a great thing to do and all, but it doesn't go well with double bass.
Christian metal, stop living a lie.
I understand that even using the words "Christian" and "metal" in the same blog post is asking for a flame war. If you're reading this, don't be stupid.
Viva la metal, let the flame wars commence.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
VII: How to Take Over The Universe / Silly Thing #1
Well, that settles it. The Zerg have won the contest, and now collectively hold the throne as the most metal being/species in the universe.
If there was a way to say "congratulations" in Zerg, I would, but I don't know enough about savage space-parasite linguistics for that, so there we are.
It was a pretty close call between Ozzy and the Zerg. I guess the Zerg rush applies to voting too. But seriously, nobody even voted for Eddie? What the fuck?
Well, I suppose it's fitting; I mean if any one race or species were to consume all known life, it would definitely be the Zerg for any number of reasons listed below. And consuming all known life is pretty badass.
1. Exceptionally hard to kill
Normally, viruses fall into a gray area between alive and dead, as they lack the ability to be alive on their own, yet they cannot die. The Zerg fall into an area that's even more gray, because they're somewhere between a virus and a biological life form that consists of teeth, spikes, and a carapace. By that I mean every creature in the Zerg swarm used to belong to other species; dogs, lizards, Terrans, etc. They infect any and all life forms with the Zerg virus, and then get another follower in their ranks. Even if you kill a Zerg (by anything other than fire) you haven't destroyed the disease, and in the process one of your men has likely become infected.
2. Exceptionally good at killing
The Zerg can fuck shit up. No question about it. Whether it's by shooting spikes or maiming and slashing with claws, there isn't much that can stand against the furious, never-ending onslaught of the swarm. With their brutal savagery and more teeth and claws than a gang of velociraptors, they were a serious threat even before they got organized. But then...
3. Kerrigan, Queen of Blades
The Zerg were always a terrifying, powerful presence, capable of infesting entire planets. However, recently a certain Ghost special operative was abandoned in the midst of the swarm and consumed. One would think that she'd be torn apart and never seen again...but the Overmind, the hive mind of the Zerg race, had a plan, and as such infected Kerrigan with the Zerg virus. Soon enough the Overmind was destroyed, but in it's place was the newly-formed Queen of Blades, Kerrigan. She has complete control of all the Zerg swarm, and has devastating psionic powers from her Ghost training. Not even Zeratul, the single most badass being in the entire universe, can stop her. And neither can you.
4. Space Travel
What's that? You think you're safe over there in the solar system? Yeah, there's no such thing as "safe" from the Zerg, because those fuckers can fly through space. Through raw strength or mystical powers or some sort of magic they can break through the surly bonds of gravity and actually fly through space. With no suit, no propulsion, no nothing. Honestly that's some H.P. Lovecraft bullshit right there. Any cutscene in Starcraft will show you scourges, devourers, and mutalisks flying through space without a care for the lack of air or gravity.
5. Unification
The Zerg have always had strength in numbers, but for a while there were several cerebrates (special organisms subservient to the Overmind that each control portions of the swarm). Now, through scheming and manipulation, Kerrigan has had all of the cerebrates executed, so that she is the sole controller of the entire swarm. Let me rephrase that. The Zerg were a terrifying threat when it was only a few broods here and there: now the entire species is united as one merciless, bloodthirsty wave of spikes, fangs, and scythe-like appendages.
With these things in mind, it's not a surprise that the Zerg won. Also, supporters of the Zerg are at their computers anyway, it's only likely that they did the most voting.
But that can't be all that this blog post is about. It's too...focused. And also this is only part 2 after last week, so I'm going to augment that with a little sidenote. This blog is called "Metal (And Other Silly Things)," and so I feel it is my duty to introduce...
Silly Thing #1: The Kraft Easy-Mac Microwaveable Mac and Cheese Process: An Experience from Start to Finish.
Step 1: Read information on side of microwave-friendly bowl.
At first glance, it seems simple enough: put the bowl in the microwave for three minutes, and you'll get mac and cheese. However, after a moment of thought you become aware of a deep complexity that is beyond your understanding. Just HOW is it making macaroni in such a short amount of time? What exactly IS that cheese sauce? And how do they get it to taste so cheesy? The skepticism sets in early. “Three minutes? For mac and cheese? ALREADY IN A BOWL?”
Step 2: The Fill Line
After careful decoding, the instructions on the side of the bowl suggest the existence of a “fill line” to which water must be filled. However, when you look inside the bowl, you feel a pit in your stomach upon realizing that the "fill line" is very hard to see and even harder to use to judge fullness. You do your best to accurately fill the bowl. You've tried to make this before and you know that if you're even a little bit off the whole thing becomes a horrible mess of soggy macaroni and broken dreams. A quick glance into the contents of the bowl provide a sudden panic attack- there is a strange white powder amidst the questionable-looking macaroni. What the fuck are you about to do to yourself?
Step 3: Microwaving.
You press a button and sit anxiously while your fate is decided.
Step 4: Mixing Pt. 1
Remove the bowl from the microwave, and stir the water and macaroni as instructed. The skepticism that you're trying to deny increases here at a violent pace. Not only is the water extremely hot, but what is inside the water does not look like mac and cheese – in fact, it doesn’t even look edible. The instructions tell you to have faith and put the cheese powder pack in.
Step 5: Cheese Sauce?
You open the pack. You immediately regret opening the pack, as all that's inside is bright orange dust. You pour it into the bowl, praying that there is a God and that he’s looking out for your mac and cheese.
Step 6: Mixing Pt. 2
You mix the powder, the macaroni, and the water into a visually nauseating mix of orange goo and awkward-looking pieces of elbow macaroni. There's unappetizing amounts of powder chunking together and you regret releasing this abomination on the world. But as you stir, something wonderful happens.
Step 7: Redemption
The cheese sauce thickens and starts to look delicious, just like the side of the bowl said! The prophecy has been fulfilled! And you were a skeptic.
Step 8: Eat
Use a spoon to shove the delicious concoction into your face-hole.
Step 9: Aftermath
Hate yourself for how much you enjoyed your disgusting microwave mac and cheese.
Okay, so that wasn't particularly metal. I promise I'll make up for it next time.
Viva la metal! And mac and cheese! \m/
If there was a way to say "congratulations" in Zerg, I would, but I don't know enough about savage space-parasite linguistics for that, so there we are.
It was a pretty close call between Ozzy and the Zerg. I guess the Zerg rush applies to voting too. But seriously, nobody even voted for Eddie? What the fuck?
Well, I suppose it's fitting; I mean if any one race or species were to consume all known life, it would definitely be the Zerg for any number of reasons listed below. And consuming all known life is pretty badass.
1. Exceptionally hard to kill
Normally, viruses fall into a gray area between alive and dead, as they lack the ability to be alive on their own, yet they cannot die. The Zerg fall into an area that's even more gray, because they're somewhere between a virus and a biological life form that consists of teeth, spikes, and a carapace. By that I mean every creature in the Zerg swarm used to belong to other species; dogs, lizards, Terrans, etc. They infect any and all life forms with the Zerg virus, and then get another follower in their ranks. Even if you kill a Zerg (by anything other than fire) you haven't destroyed the disease, and in the process one of your men has likely become infected.
2. Exceptionally good at killing
The Zerg can fuck shit up. No question about it. Whether it's by shooting spikes or maiming and slashing with claws, there isn't much that can stand against the furious, never-ending onslaught of the swarm. With their brutal savagery and more teeth and claws than a gang of velociraptors, they were a serious threat even before they got organized. But then...
3. Kerrigan, Queen of Blades
The Zerg were always a terrifying, powerful presence, capable of infesting entire planets. However, recently a certain Ghost special operative was abandoned in the midst of the swarm and consumed. One would think that she'd be torn apart and never seen again...but the Overmind, the hive mind of the Zerg race, had a plan, and as such infected Kerrigan with the Zerg virus. Soon enough the Overmind was destroyed, but in it's place was the newly-formed Queen of Blades, Kerrigan. She has complete control of all the Zerg swarm, and has devastating psionic powers from her Ghost training. Not even Zeratul, the single most badass being in the entire universe, can stop her. And neither can you.
4. Space Travel
What's that? You think you're safe over there in the solar system? Yeah, there's no such thing as "safe" from the Zerg, because those fuckers can fly through space. Through raw strength or mystical powers or some sort of magic they can break through the surly bonds of gravity and actually fly through space. With no suit, no propulsion, no nothing. Honestly that's some H.P. Lovecraft bullshit right there. Any cutscene in Starcraft will show you scourges, devourers, and mutalisks flying through space without a care for the lack of air or gravity.
5. Unification
The Zerg have always had strength in numbers, but for a while there were several cerebrates (special organisms subservient to the Overmind that each control portions of the swarm). Now, through scheming and manipulation, Kerrigan has had all of the cerebrates executed, so that she is the sole controller of the entire swarm. Let me rephrase that. The Zerg were a terrifying threat when it was only a few broods here and there: now the entire species is united as one merciless, bloodthirsty wave of spikes, fangs, and scythe-like appendages.
With these things in mind, it's not a surprise that the Zerg won. Also, supporters of the Zerg are at their computers anyway, it's only likely that they did the most voting.
But that can't be all that this blog post is about. It's too...focused. And also this is only part 2 after last week, so I'm going to augment that with a little sidenote. This blog is called "Metal (And Other Silly Things)," and so I feel it is my duty to introduce...
Silly Thing #1: The Kraft Easy-Mac Microwaveable Mac and Cheese Process: An Experience from Start to Finish.
Step 1: Read information on side of microwave-friendly bowl.
At first glance, it seems simple enough: put the bowl in the microwave for three minutes, and you'll get mac and cheese. However, after a moment of thought you become aware of a deep complexity that is beyond your understanding. Just HOW is it making macaroni in such a short amount of time? What exactly IS that cheese sauce? And how do they get it to taste so cheesy? The skepticism sets in early. “Three minutes? For mac and cheese? ALREADY IN A BOWL?”
Step 2: The Fill Line
After careful decoding, the instructions on the side of the bowl suggest the existence of a “fill line” to which water must be filled. However, when you look inside the bowl, you feel a pit in your stomach upon realizing that the "fill line" is very hard to see and even harder to use to judge fullness. You do your best to accurately fill the bowl. You've tried to make this before and you know that if you're even a little bit off the whole thing becomes a horrible mess of soggy macaroni and broken dreams. A quick glance into the contents of the bowl provide a sudden panic attack- there is a strange white powder amidst the questionable-looking macaroni. What the fuck are you about to do to yourself?
Step 3: Microwaving.
You press a button and sit anxiously while your fate is decided.
Step 4: Mixing Pt. 1
Remove the bowl from the microwave, and stir the water and macaroni as instructed. The skepticism that you're trying to deny increases here at a violent pace. Not only is the water extremely hot, but what is inside the water does not look like mac and cheese – in fact, it doesn’t even look edible. The instructions tell you to have faith and put the cheese powder pack in.
Step 5: Cheese Sauce?
You open the pack. You immediately regret opening the pack, as all that's inside is bright orange dust. You pour it into the bowl, praying that there is a God and that he’s looking out for your mac and cheese.
Step 6: Mixing Pt. 2
You mix the powder, the macaroni, and the water into a visually nauseating mix of orange goo and awkward-looking pieces of elbow macaroni. There's unappetizing amounts of powder chunking together and you regret releasing this abomination on the world. But as you stir, something wonderful happens.
Step 7: Redemption
The cheese sauce thickens and starts to look delicious, just like the side of the bowl said! The prophecy has been fulfilled! And you were a skeptic.
Step 8: Eat
Use a spoon to shove the delicious concoction into your face-hole.
Step 9: Aftermath
Hate yourself for how much you enjoyed your disgusting microwave mac and cheese.
Okay, so that wasn't particularly metal. I promise I'll make up for it next time.
Viva la metal! And mac and cheese! \m/
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
VI: The Most Metal Being in the Universe
Greetings. I bet you guys thought I'd just make a brief reprisal of this blog, then let it die again. However, that isn't the case. It's time for some legit devotion up in here.
So, in accordance with my most recent poll, I must explain to you all that the only reason I stopped blogging on this was because I died a most horrible death. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that someone opened the Hellgate and I had to seal it using a ritual written in my own blood, which promptly caused me to die from blood loss. But after enough time in the ground, I decided I'd rather just come back and be even MORE metal.
...So, I did that.
*cough* *cough* Anyway! The topic for this week is one I've been tossing around for a while, and I guess it's technically a two-parter because if it's a contest then a winner has to be declared, right?
Right.
And thus it begins: The official MaOST Most Metal Being in the Universe competition! Many will compete! Many shall perish! Only one will be worthy of being the subject of a very heavy concept album.
Challenger #1: Cho'Gath, Terror of the Void.
If you play League of Legends, you already know why Cho'Gath is on this list, and if you don't, you will soon. As if the Lovecraftian nature of his name isn't enough, I've included a picture to demonstrate.
If you can't see well enough, yes, he's got four arms- two pincers and two scythe-like appendages. He's a being of unimaginable terror that exists in the Void, and as such has achieved dominion there through his reign of terror. Cho'Gath can summon an explosion of spikes from the earth or silence his foes with a terrible scream...
Oh yeah, and he can eat his victims and grow larger and stronger on their bodies.
Let me say that one more time. Cho'Gath has a move called "Feast" and if it hits successfully, the target is killed and DEVOURED BY CHO'GATH, who then grows in size. Brutal.
Challenger #2: Colossus, of the X-Men
Colossus is here not out of motivation or particular badassery, but I mean, honestly...
The man is actually made of metal. And, to be fair, he can punch people until they explode.
Challenger #3: Eddie the Head
How many zombies do you know? Oh yeah? Well, how many zombies do you know that love killing, so much so that they've fought in every war of mankind ever? Eddie has. Not to mention that he's the mascot of one of the best metal bands to ever dominate the world for 15 years.
Also, he can play bass. And Eddie's also the only contestant in this competition who's ever been a cloud and a cyborg in the same decade.
Challenger #4: The Zerg
I say "the Zerg" collectively, as opposed to an Ultralisk or Kerrigan, the Queen of Blades, because they're of a hive-mind mentality. Of course, Kerrigan can control the whole swarm now that the Overmind is dead, but that's besides the point. The Zerg is a combination of a biological species and a virus, infecting all organic life and adding more spikes, teeth, and general killing ability. For example, this used to be a dog.
In addition, the Zerg are one of the most evolutionarily superior races ever created in the universe, as they can subsist on virtually nothing for a long time, have very active regenerative powers, and can even travel through space unaided. That's more than anyone can say about the Protoss or the Terrans.
...also, they can do this.
Challenger #5: Ozzy Osbourne
The self-proclaimed prince of darkness, and actual inventor of heavy metal.
More than enough has been said about Ozzy already, but this is a man who not only led the band that kicked off heavy metal, but then took it even further after they kicked him out. And on top of that, he bites the head off of anything that can fit in his maw- doves, bats, children, you name it. However, he's no match for...
Challenger #666: Satan
The actual prince of darkness, and self-proclaimed inventor of heavy metal.
Despite the fact that much of what we know about Lucifer's actions and appearance aren't ACTUALLY in the Bible, he still ranks very high in this contest. Few can shred out a solo like Old Scratch can, and he deceives and tempts fools and the over-ambitious alike with his sordid, malicious deals. Powerful enough to oppose God and start a rebellion for individualism, and petty enough to hold a grudge against mankind for eternity. He lives in fire and breathes ice. He eternally feasts on Brutus, Cassius, and Judas. He writes riffs for Lamb of God in his spare time.
Hell, without him there would probably be no metal. Or at least no horns to throw up at concerts. \m/
Challenger #7: Cthulhu, High Priest of the Old Gods
Picture this: a massive, slimy green gargoyle with decaying leathery wings, a hunched over body, long claws, and an octopus for a head. Now give that being a psychic presence so terrible that merely his dreaming can send sensitives wailing into the psych ward. And top it all off with the fact that he's the high priest of the elder race of gods, and will summon them all back here once the planets are right.
Oh, also there's the fact that he can never die. He can just reconstitute himself and come back at you with claws and tentacles and a psionic assault. And I haven't even mentioned his children, the Star-Spawn. Don't even ask.
Of course, if Cthulhu was to win this competition for his obvious metal overtones, he'd have an asterisk next to his name saying "*Note: Unfair advantage, exists in inconceivable dimensions." He's like the Barry Bonds of metal beings.
Challenger #8: Ganondorf, the Great King of Evil
At one point, he was merely an overambitious king of the Gerudos, a race of desert thieves. However, that ambition led him to want more and more power. Soon he consolidated power over the Gerudos, and then swiftly took his onslaught to Hyrule. This is a mighty kingdom, gifted by the fucking goddesses of the land and that's STILL not enough to stop him and his minions. And just when it can't get any worse? This happens.
He gets even more powerful by using their very own sacred artifact. Ganondorf acquires the Triforce of Power, and as such becomes an unstoppable force of evil. Of course, the Triforce has failsafes built into it and as such splits into three parts, a la Ocarina of Time, but it's already too late: the man known as Ganondorf is no longer just a man. Within him, the core of his evil and the Triforce of Power have combined, making him into the warthog demon known as Ganon.
He has limitless power, and is basically unkillable once he reaches this form. All you can do is seal him away for eons, but that won't do any good because (courtesy of The Wind Waker) he'll just come back eventually and destroy the whole fucking kingdom.
You see all that water in The Wind Waker? Every drop is proof of Ganon's victory over Hyrule. Yeah, that's right- he's the only villain who's ever won.
The winner?
You tell me! There's a new poll at the bottom of the page. Find out next week!
Until next time, keep on headbanging.
Viva la metal!
So, in accordance with my most recent poll, I must explain to you all that the only reason I stopped blogging on this was because I died a most horrible death. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that someone opened the Hellgate and I had to seal it using a ritual written in my own blood, which promptly caused me to die from blood loss. But after enough time in the ground, I decided I'd rather just come back and be even MORE metal.
...So, I did that.
*cough* *cough* Anyway! The topic for this week is one I've been tossing around for a while, and I guess it's technically a two-parter because if it's a contest then a winner has to be declared, right?
Right.
And thus it begins: The official MaOST Most Metal Being in the Universe competition! Many will compete! Many shall perish! Only one will be worthy of being the subject of a very heavy concept album.
Challenger #1: Cho'Gath, Terror of the Void.
If you play League of Legends, you already know why Cho'Gath is on this list, and if you don't, you will soon. As if the Lovecraftian nature of his name isn't enough, I've included a picture to demonstrate.
If you can't see well enough, yes, he's got four arms- two pincers and two scythe-like appendages. He's a being of unimaginable terror that exists in the Void, and as such has achieved dominion there through his reign of terror. Cho'Gath can summon an explosion of spikes from the earth or silence his foes with a terrible scream...
Oh yeah, and he can eat his victims and grow larger and stronger on their bodies.
Let me say that one more time. Cho'Gath has a move called "Feast" and if it hits successfully, the target is killed and DEVOURED BY CHO'GATH, who then grows in size. Brutal.
Challenger #2: Colossus, of the X-Men
Colossus is here not out of motivation or particular badassery, but I mean, honestly...
The man is actually made of metal. And, to be fair, he can punch people until they explode.
Challenger #3: Eddie the Head
How many zombies do you know? Oh yeah? Well, how many zombies do you know that love killing, so much so that they've fought in every war of mankind ever? Eddie has. Not to mention that he's the mascot of one of the best metal bands to ever dominate the world for 15 years.
Also, he can play bass. And Eddie's also the only contestant in this competition who's ever been a cloud and a cyborg in the same decade.
Challenger #4: The Zerg
I say "the Zerg" collectively, as opposed to an Ultralisk or Kerrigan, the Queen of Blades, because they're of a hive-mind mentality. Of course, Kerrigan can control the whole swarm now that the Overmind is dead, but that's besides the point. The Zerg is a combination of a biological species and a virus, infecting all organic life and adding more spikes, teeth, and general killing ability. For example, this used to be a dog.
In addition, the Zerg are one of the most evolutionarily superior races ever created in the universe, as they can subsist on virtually nothing for a long time, have very active regenerative powers, and can even travel through space unaided. That's more than anyone can say about the Protoss or the Terrans.
...also, they can do this.
Challenger #5: Ozzy Osbourne
The self-proclaimed prince of darkness, and actual inventor of heavy metal.
More than enough has been said about Ozzy already, but this is a man who not only led the band that kicked off heavy metal, but then took it even further after they kicked him out. And on top of that, he bites the head off of anything that can fit in his maw- doves, bats, children, you name it. However, he's no match for...
Challenger #666: Satan
The actual prince of darkness, and self-proclaimed inventor of heavy metal.
Despite the fact that much of what we know about Lucifer's actions and appearance aren't ACTUALLY in the Bible, he still ranks very high in this contest. Few can shred out a solo like Old Scratch can, and he deceives and tempts fools and the over-ambitious alike with his sordid, malicious deals. Powerful enough to oppose God and start a rebellion for individualism, and petty enough to hold a grudge against mankind for eternity. He lives in fire and breathes ice. He eternally feasts on Brutus, Cassius, and Judas. He writes riffs for Lamb of God in his spare time.
Hell, without him there would probably be no metal. Or at least no horns to throw up at concerts. \m/
Challenger #7: Cthulhu, High Priest of the Old Gods
Picture this: a massive, slimy green gargoyle with decaying leathery wings, a hunched over body, long claws, and an octopus for a head. Now give that being a psychic presence so terrible that merely his dreaming can send sensitives wailing into the psych ward. And top it all off with the fact that he's the high priest of the elder race of gods, and will summon them all back here once the planets are right.
Oh, also there's the fact that he can never die. He can just reconstitute himself and come back at you with claws and tentacles and a psionic assault. And I haven't even mentioned his children, the Star-Spawn. Don't even ask.
Of course, if Cthulhu was to win this competition for his obvious metal overtones, he'd have an asterisk next to his name saying "*Note: Unfair advantage, exists in inconceivable dimensions." He's like the Barry Bonds of metal beings.
Challenger #8: Ganondorf, the Great King of Evil
At one point, he was merely an overambitious king of the Gerudos, a race of desert thieves. However, that ambition led him to want more and more power. Soon he consolidated power over the Gerudos, and then swiftly took his onslaught to Hyrule. This is a mighty kingdom, gifted by the fucking goddesses of the land and that's STILL not enough to stop him and his minions. And just when it can't get any worse? This happens.
He gets even more powerful by using their very own sacred artifact. Ganondorf acquires the Triforce of Power, and as such becomes an unstoppable force of evil. Of course, the Triforce has failsafes built into it and as such splits into three parts, a la Ocarina of Time, but it's already too late: the man known as Ganondorf is no longer just a man. Within him, the core of his evil and the Triforce of Power have combined, making him into the warthog demon known as Ganon.
He has limitless power, and is basically unkillable once he reaches this form. All you can do is seal him away for eons, but that won't do any good because (courtesy of The Wind Waker) he'll just come back eventually and destroy the whole fucking kingdom.
You see all that water in The Wind Waker? Every drop is proof of Ganon's victory over Hyrule. Yeah, that's right- he's the only villain who's ever won.
The winner?
You tell me! There's a new poll at the bottom of the page. Find out next week!
Until next time, keep on headbanging.
Viva la metal!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
V: A Return to Form / "Metalphors"
Greetings, acolytes of metal. I was thinking about being gone for so long, and I just read that "Sorry for disappearing but I'm back now" post, and decided that while it's fairly metal, it doesn't actually discuss anything metal per se (unless you count exhuming your own corpse and returning from the dead.) And plus, it's not exactly fair to just come back with a short little post that's basically saying "Hey guys, I'm back but don't expect a real post until next week."
Fuck that. I'm going to produce a normal length, metal-as-steel post so this is the official metal return to form.
Also, I'm thinking of changing the name from "Metal (And Other Silly Things)" to "Mind Over Metal." More on that later.
Anyway, I figure it would be a fertile topic to talk a little bit about what goes into one of these blogs, particularly my focus on metaphors. Such a topic contains several good points, and lots of excuses to make metal metaphors.
(I fucking love alliteration.)
((Which is a pretty nifty segue.))
\m/ -Metallic Metaphors- \m/
When writing a metal blog, it should be obvious that intense, metal comparisons and explanations are required. Even if the subject in question is markedly un-metal, there's always a way to roll it up into a clever witticism that sounds like it could be spouted from the mouth of Satan. For example, I enjoy incense. Incense makes a room smell nice when you burn it. Not very metal, right?
But...tweak it a little bit...
"I often burn DRAGON'S BLOOD in my chambers, for no other reason than because I enjoy the smell."
That's right. In a matter of seconds, that went from me commenting about how I like my room to smell dainty and sweet to me boasting about how I kill dragons and harvest their blood. Anything can be made metal: anything from burning incense to the brutality of polite conversation, even to eating fruit!
Yeah, you heard me right. Eating fruit. You don't believe me?
Every day, thousands of beings are plucked from the security of their homes and shipped to foreign lands, where giants cut them open, scoop out their organs and unborn children, and cut their hollow bodies into pieces- to be devoured one by one.
That's some Cannibal Corpse shit right there.
VIVA LA METAL.
Fuck that. I'm going to produce a normal length, metal-as-steel post so this is the official metal return to form.
Also, I'm thinking of changing the name from "Metal (And Other Silly Things)" to "Mind Over Metal." More on that later.
Anyway, I figure it would be a fertile topic to talk a little bit about what goes into one of these blogs, particularly my focus on metaphors. Such a topic contains several good points, and lots of excuses to make metal metaphors.
(I fucking love alliteration.)
((Which is a pretty nifty segue.))
\m/ -Metallic Metaphors- \m/
When writing a metal blog, it should be obvious that intense, metal comparisons and explanations are required. Even if the subject in question is markedly un-metal, there's always a way to roll it up into a clever witticism that sounds like it could be spouted from the mouth of Satan. For example, I enjoy incense. Incense makes a room smell nice when you burn it. Not very metal, right?
But...tweak it a little bit...
"I often burn DRAGON'S BLOOD in my chambers, for no other reason than because I enjoy the smell."
That's right. In a matter of seconds, that went from me commenting about how I like my room to smell dainty and sweet to me boasting about how I kill dragons and harvest their blood. Anything can be made metal: anything from burning incense to the brutality of polite conversation, even to eating fruit!
Yeah, you heard me right. Eating fruit. You don't believe me?
Every day, thousands of beings are plucked from the security of their homes and shipped to foreign lands, where giants cut them open, scoop out their organs and unborn children, and cut their hollow bodies into pieces- to be devoured one by one.
That's some Cannibal Corpse shit right there.
VIVA LA METAL.
IV: Back From the Dead
(with a sudden rush of putrefied air from the lungs, and a shambling thrust out of the ground...)
GAH. Holy shit, it's been a while since I was down there.
Ahem. So allow me to explain my temporary disappearance. I'd like to say something witty, claiming that I was on a sabbatical through Hell as any good metal-head should be now and then. Unfortunately, the truth is much less spectacular- sophomore year of college has seen to it that I be drowning in work as often as possible. I was failing, and decided to put this on hold for a while. At which point, to be honest, I forgot about it. My once noble and inspired attempt at blogging about metal fell between the cracks of my hippocampus, obscured by Java algorithms and an endless array of "for" and "while" loops.
Until a good friend of mine told me I haven't written a blog in a while.
...and then I checked my blog. And found comments. AND FOLLOWERS.
HOLY SHIT, PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ THIS.
The poll this week will be "What do you think is the best excuse for my absence?" because I can't think of anything better. ^_^
Anyway, yeah. Sorry for disappearing guys, you can bet I won't let it happen again now that I have something to keep me in it: fans. Fans are the driving force behind metal, the steam that powers its infernal engines. Keep those horns up, folks.
For you all and myself, regardless of temporary abandonment or asphyxiation by an overwhelming amount of work, there is only one solution: metal.
MIND OVER METAL.
GAH. Holy shit, it's been a while since I was down there.
Ahem. So allow me to explain my temporary disappearance. I'd like to say something witty, claiming that I was on a sabbatical through Hell as any good metal-head should be now and then. Unfortunately, the truth is much less spectacular- sophomore year of college has seen to it that I be drowning in work as often as possible. I was failing, and decided to put this on hold for a while. At which point, to be honest, I forgot about it. My once noble and inspired attempt at blogging about metal fell between the cracks of my hippocampus, obscured by Java algorithms and an endless array of "for" and "while" loops.
Until a good friend of mine told me I haven't written a blog in a while.
...and then I checked my blog. And found comments. AND FOLLOWERS.
HOLY SHIT, PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ THIS.
The poll this week will be "What do you think is the best excuse for my absence?" because I can't think of anything better. ^_^
Anyway, yeah. Sorry for disappearing guys, you can bet I won't let it happen again now that I have something to keep me in it: fans. Fans are the driving force behind metal, the steam that powers its infernal engines. Keep those horns up, folks.
For you all and myself, regardless of temporary abandonment or asphyxiation by an overwhelming amount of work, there is only one solution: metal.
MIND OVER METAL.
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