Right.
Moving right along, it's snowing outside and it doesn't really seem to be stopping. Some people would complain about this due to chores and safety hazards, but I've always loved the winter. Not just because it's cold either, but because it can be pretty metal. I mean, just look at any aspect of Norse religion if you want to see how frost can be metal.
However, there are anti-metal elements of snow and winter too. This produces a clash between a badass winter and a cute winter. Read on and decide for yourself which is more accurate, or more importantly, whether or not winter is metal.
Which it totally is.
Cute Winter: Snow as a pretty thing
I'm sure you all know this one quite well: traditional imagery of snow flurries and frost-covered branches, nostalgic Americana in which rosy-cheeked children fog up their windows to draw little smiley faces and pentagrams, and the mass creation of snow men and snow angels.
Not that kind of snow angel, but hey, I wouldn't complain.
Badass Winter: Snow, the ultimate trapper
One day in the 1800s, a group of eager and headstrong pioneers known as the Donner party decided to head out to California. Due to a series of unfortunate occurrences this included crossing the Sierra mountains during the winter. This is commonly regarded as one of the stupidest decisions in history, just below "invading Russia during the winter."
The pioneers became snowbound in the Sierra Nevada. Cursed to an icy tomb with dwindling supplies, the frigid and forlorn pioneers waited until their prison thawed. However, with every passing day supplies became lower and lower. In the name of survival, they did the only thing they could do: cannibalize those who died from sickness or starvation, bundle up for another cold night, and never speak of your hellish ordeal again.
Although while it should be clarified that a fraction of the members did actually survive, it was many, many years before they could even admit to themselves what had happened. And all because of a little not-so-harmless snow.
Cute Winter: Snow giving you a means to be cute with your girl
Every guy knows the drill of the "cold girl game" by now. If she's cold, offer your jacket. (Bonus gentleman points.) If she's shivering, hug her. Put your arm around her so you guys can both benefit from body heat in the cold. Subtly suggest getting under a blanket to warm her up. The tools of the trade for a cold day are endless, and often snowy days with a loved one can be quite romantic. Hot chocolate by a fire is basically a surefire key to a woman's heart.
Badass Winter: Snow, the maimer
That picture basically says it all, but suffice it to say that frostbite is tissue destruction caused by exposure to the cold. Think of blackened toes, fingers, and limbs, amputations due to frozen body parts, and the fact that it can spread like an ice-infection and just TRY to tell me that's not metal.
Cute Winter: Snow bringing joy to children
Ah, the adorable sight of children scampering up a hill only to sled down on some modern, super-advanced red and black piece of aerodynamically designed plastic. One of the oldest and purest forms of fun, sledding has probably been enjoyed for as long as man has known that it's fun to go fast and that snow makes things slippery.
Probably.
Badass Winter: Snow, the destroyer
Driving is hard enough as it is, and actually pretty metal when you stop to think about it. (Totally blogging about this next week.) But when you make the roads slippery and icy, you're basically turning your two ton explosive death machine into a two ton explosive SUPER death machine...that doesn't turn or brake.
Cute Winter: Snow bringing joy to everyone
I can't tell you how many different local rituals are performed to convince the snow gods to offer children the boon of a snow day. There's the classic "wear your pajamas inside out for snow" route, or the more modern "flush ice cubes down the toilet because the septic tank definitely controls weather patterns" path, but in the end all these children are doing are silly things to get off from school. It's not just the kids looking forward to snow days, though: everyone who would get off from their job secretly hopes that there is a snow god and it is merciful. However, sometimes nature smiles on these hopeless, stupid prayers and dumps a whole bunch of pretty, icy death all over the roads. Talk about fun!
Badass Winter: Snow, the killer
As if frostbite wasn't a bad enough consequence of exposure to the cold, you can totally die, too. Hypothermia is the process by which cold shuts your body down and kills you. That's pretty metal, but it gets even better- right before you die of hypothermia, you experience an intense euphoria. The brain reacts to all the stimuli of freezing to death in such a way that you become at peace and totally happy. By that point, you want to die. You have a smile on your face while Jack Frost is killing you with a curse.
I've run out of cute things about winter, but I could still go on about snowball fights, icicles, and how much shoveling sucks. But more importantly, there's one more badass thing about snow that pushes it over the edge of brutality.
Badass Winter: Snow, the Force of Nature
The avalanche. One of the most powerful natural disasters, and also one of the most easily provoked. Like a resentful sociopath, the avalanche waits for just the right provocation. It seems like nothing more than ordinary snow, but then with one spoken word too many, or in just the right pitch, the frozen onslaught is begun. Many tons of snow cascade down the steep face of the mountain, picking up speed and more snow as they fall. They cover all they can, smothering everything in a boundless snowdrift.
I realize that this post will not help those of you afflicted by this storm, and will probably only make it seem colder. Do what I'm about to do and get revenge on the brutal blizzard! Take up your shovels and I shall see thee on the battlefield! There may come a day our ancestors tell stories of when men and women didn't stand up to snow.
This is not that day!
Viva la metal!
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