XV: Your 2-Ton Exploding Death Machine and You

I've got a joke for you guys. What weighs about 4 thousand pounds, is full of explosive, combustible liquid, is made out of metal, and travels at dangerously fast speeds?

I'll give you a hint: it sounds more badass than it really is.




I'll give you another hint: it's one of these.

If by this point you haven't guessed that cars are the subject of this week's blog, I regrettably have to ask you to leave this blog forever and never return.

Anyway, with terrain and weather hazards, repair work, and terrible other drivers, driving is hard enough as it is, yet (like many of the silly things featured on this blog) it is actually pretty metal when you stop to think about it.

You're in control, and you love the feeling of going fast. So you go faster and faster, speeding down a long strip of rock-hard pavement with a total disregard of the danger that looms ever-nearer. Maybe you pass someone, or take a turn like you're Speed Racer. Now you're just showing off, but damnit, your heart is beating and you feel alive. Thanks to that fancy frontal cortex, you may begin to worry about safety issues and put on your seatbelt. The brutality in this is subtle and not immediately apparent. The seatbelt puts you into a false state of security, making you believe that it will save your life when you need it to. This in turn makes you drive more recklessly, because you think "Well, the belt will save me, so I can be a little more of a dick behind the wheel." Granted, many windshield- and human-bullet-related deaths are avoided by the wearing of seatbelts, but there are some situations where being strapped down can be interpreted as a problem.



Truly, thanatos at it's finest! Nothing says "I need to die" like speeding along a very hard surface in a metal coffin filled with explosive fuel, with other high-speed metal coffins in very close proximity. I swear, it sounds like a videogame...oh, wait.


So you're making yourself into an explosive-packed bullet, but you're still not satisfied? Take a moment and think about how many people are killed because of cars every year, every day, and literally every single minute. There's got to be some positive aspect to all that danger. Wait a minute, yes, there totally is.

Chicks dig cars.

Yep, you read it right. And to be honest, what part of civilization wasn't conceived as a plan to win over the opposite sex? Cars are dangerous death-traps that explode upon impact, sure, but you can totally have sexy car washes.


And in the end, isn't that all that really matters?




P.S.
When I searched for "car" in Google's image search engine, this is the first image that came up.



I don't know how this future-car would work, but it looks totally banging and I felt it was my duty to share this.


Stay metal, friends.
\m/

XIV: The Duality of Winter

Good morning, metalheads. Last week's post was a day early, and I was preoccupied yesterday so I figured I would just post again today. One day plus negative one day equals a balanced blogging schedule, right?

Right.

Moving right along, it's snowing outside and it doesn't really seem to be stopping. Some people would complain about this due to chores and safety hazards, but I've always loved the winter. Not just because it's cold either, but because it can be pretty metal. I mean, just look at any aspect of Norse religion if you want to see how frost can be metal.

However, there are anti-metal elements of snow and winter too. This produces a clash between a badass winter and a cute winter. Read on and decide for yourself which is more accurate, or more importantly, whether or not winter is metal.

Which it totally is.



Cute Winter: Snow as a pretty thing

I'm sure you all know this one quite well: traditional imagery of snow flurries and frost-covered branches, nostalgic Americana in which rosy-cheeked children fog up their windows to draw little smiley faces and pentagrams, and the mass creation of snow men and snow angels.


Not that kind of snow angel, but hey, I wouldn't complain.



Badass Winter: Snow, the ultimate trapper

One day in the 1800s, a group of eager and headstrong pioneers known as the Donner party decided to head out to California. Due to a series of unfortunate occurrences this included crossing the Sierra mountains during the winter. This is commonly regarded as one of the stupidest decisions in history, just below "invading Russia during the winter."

The pioneers became snowbound in the Sierra Nevada. Cursed to an icy tomb with dwindling supplies, the frigid and forlorn pioneers waited until their prison thawed. However, with every passing day supplies became lower and lower. In the name of survival, they did the only thing they could do: cannibalize those who died from sickness or starvation, bundle up for another cold night, and never speak of your hellish ordeal again.

Although while it should be clarified that a fraction of the members did actually survive, it was many, many years before they could even admit to themselves what had happened. And all because of a little not-so-harmless snow.



Cute Winter: Snow giving you a means to be cute with your girl



Every guy knows the drill of the "cold girl game" by now. If she's cold, offer your jacket. (Bonus gentleman points.) If she's shivering, hug her. Put your arm around her so you guys can both benefit from body heat in the cold. Subtly suggest getting under a blanket to warm her up. The tools of the trade for a cold day are endless, and often snowy days with a loved one can be quite romantic. Hot chocolate by a fire is basically a surefire key to a woman's heart.



Badass Winter: Snow, the maimer



That picture basically says it all, but suffice it to say that frostbite is tissue destruction caused by exposure to the cold. Think of blackened toes, fingers, and limbs, amputations due to frozen body parts, and the fact that it can spread like an ice-infection and just TRY to tell me that's not metal.



Cute Winter: Snow bringing joy to children



Ah, the adorable sight of children scampering up a hill only to sled down on some modern, super-advanced red and black piece of aerodynamically designed plastic. One of the oldest and purest forms of fun, sledding has probably been enjoyed for as long as man has known that it's fun to go fast and that snow makes things slippery.

Probably.



Badass Winter: Snow, the destroyer



Driving is hard enough as it is, and actually pretty metal when you stop to think about it. (Totally blogging about this next week.) But when you make the roads slippery and icy, you're basically turning your two ton explosive death machine into a two ton explosive SUPER death machine...that doesn't turn or brake.



Cute Winter: Snow bringing joy to everyone



I can't tell you how many different local rituals are performed to convince the snow gods to offer children the boon of a snow day. There's the classic "wear your pajamas inside out for snow" route, or the more modern "flush ice cubes down the toilet because the septic tank definitely controls weather patterns" path, but in the end all these children are doing are silly things to get off from school. It's not just the kids looking forward to snow days, though: everyone who would get off from their job secretly hopes that there is a snow god and it is merciful. However, sometimes nature smiles on these hopeless, stupid prayers and dumps a whole bunch of pretty, icy death all over the roads. Talk about fun!



Badass Winter: Snow, the killer

As if frostbite wasn't a bad enough consequence of exposure to the cold, you can totally die, too. Hypothermia is the process by which cold shuts your body down and kills you. That's pretty metal, but it gets even better- right before you die of hypothermia, you experience an intense euphoria. The brain reacts to all the stimuli of freezing to death in such a way that you become at peace and totally happy. By that point, you want to die. You have a smile on your face while Jack Frost is killing you with a curse.





I've run out of cute things about winter, but I could still go on about snowball fights, icicles, and how much shoveling sucks. But more importantly, there's one more badass thing about snow that pushes it over the edge of brutality.


Badass Winter: Snow, the Force of Nature



The avalanche. One of the most powerful natural disasters, and also one of the most easily provoked. Like a resentful sociopath, the avalanche waits for just the right provocation. It seems like nothing more than ordinary snow, but then with one spoken word too many, or in just the right pitch, the frozen onslaught is begun. Many tons of snow cascade down the steep face of the mountain, picking up speed and more snow as they fall. They cover all they can, smothering everything in a boundless snowdrift.


I realize that this post will not help those of you afflicted by this storm, and will probably only make it seem colder. Do what I'm about to do and get revenge on the brutal blizzard! Take up your shovels and I shall see thee on the battlefield! There may come a day our ancestors tell stories of when men and women didn't stand up to snow.

This is not that day!

Viva la metal!

XIII: The World's Most Metal Animals Part 1: The Insect World is Surprisingly Brutal

Good evening. Finals week came and went, and to my surprise so far I haven't failed anything. Thank Satan for holes in the education system. Anyway, I'm officially on break now, so you know what that means. It's time for some blogging, HARDCORE.

I was perusing the interwebs when I found some information about a particularly brutal bug- the bagworm moth. This inspired me to write a blog about other metal animals, and was surprised to find that the majority of them were insects. Guys, insects are pretty badass. Seriously.


I. The Bagworm Moth




This is the one that inspired this blog. That is an adult male bagworm moth and aside from the fact that it looks like something from a little girl's nightmare, it has a surprisingly badass origin story. You see, all bagworm moths have to endure a trial by fire to earn the right to exist, and by trial of fire I mean they have to push their way out of their dead mother's corpse.

Yep, you read that correctly. Only the male bagworm moths get the right the grow wings, so the female ones adapt and become mating machines who never leave their cocoons. However, God wasn't done punishing the female bagworm (probably because of some crazy Biblical bagworm adultery) so He made them fucking incapable of reproduction. However, the species didn't go extinct, and I bet you can guess why.

Mother bagworm moths harbor many eggs in their bodies, all of which produce larvae that have to struggle to escape from their mother's decaying corpse when they're born in the spring. Possibly the most metal birth ever.

II: Trapdoor Spiders



Most of you will already know this story, so I shouldn't have to elaborate much on why this is so fucking metal, but damnit, I will anyway!

So you have a spider, which is already a pretty monstrous being - 8 legs, poisonous fangs, more eyes than you can count on one hand, and an insidious, drawn-out method for killing its prey. But let's say you wanted to make it more metal; let's say you made it a burrowing creature, able to live underground anywhere there's dirt. (For those of you who've done too much headbanging, there's a lot of dirt.) Let's say you also gave it the behavior of dragging it's victims down into said burrow, so that their long, agonizing death is spent isolated and confused, slowly dying in a cave, because...well, what the hell, why not?

But by far the most brutal aspect of the trapdoor spider is the one for which it's named. The namesake trapdoor to the burrow can be subtly lifted by the spider so it can play sentry to the immediate area. The moment some unsuspecting beetle or something walks by, BOOM, the door is open, the spider grabs it, and the door closes again. In the blink of an eye a life form is gone, condemned to experience its final hours in a world of pain, solitude, and darkness.

III. Anything afflicted by Cordyceps unilateralis (The parasitic mushroom with mind-control.)



This isn't specifically about a bug, but rather something that preys on bugs in such a terrifying way that I'm shocked it hasn't been made into a horror movie yet. The Cordyceps unilateralis is a parasitic mushroom that grows on the back of certain insects: namely, ants. It grows on the back of an ant and slowly saps the life from it. It feeds off them for the majority of its life, but takes a grim "I'll take you with me" approach to mortality. The mycelium (which can best be summed up as "brain-roots") of the mushroom grow into the brain tissue of the ant, and the mushroom hijacks the brain of the ant.

It then commands the ant to climb to the top of the nearest tree, tightens all of its mightily strong ant-muscles into a death grip on the tree, and patiently waits for the ant to die.

At which point the mushroom itself dies, grafted to its host who is eternally locked in a grim embrace with the tree...and then the mushroom releases countless spores to spread across the land, blowing for miles and miles in the wind. Each spore will land and lie in wait, and the C. unilateralis spreads its terror like something out of H.P. Lovecraft's fevered dreams.



IV. Tarantula Hawk



Holy shit, that thing is huge! Boasting a terrifying wingspan and a perfectly evil method of reproduction, the Tarantula Hawk is not only a fucking badass bug but also a great name for a band.

Wait a minute, I'm positive I've seen this exact bug as a design in LoZ: The Wind Waker...


And there it is, called a Mothula if I'm not mistaken.

Irrelevant!

What makes this particularly giant wasp so badass? Well for one, as the name should indicate it hunts tarantulas (which is pretty awesome in and of itself, but it gets better.) However, it doesn't feed on the tarantulas - tarantula hawks subsist on nectar. (Hilariously enough, if they drink the nectar of fermented fruits in the wild they'll actually get drunk, in some cases too drunk to even fly straight. It is for this incredibly awesome reason that the tarantula hawk has the closer spot on this list.) This wasp does, however, use the tarantula for reproduction, and if you've been paying attention then you know it's going to be gruesome.

The male tarantulas are too weak and scrawny to fit this monstrous predator's needs, so it seeks the females. These females almost always reside in their burrows, so it becomes more of a "seek-and-destroy" kind of mission. The tarantula hawk invades the burrow and stings the tarantula. I would like to point out that this wasp actually breaks into burrows, underground and in total darkness, and STILL manages to overpower a tarantula.

The tarantula hawk's sting is regarded as one of the most painful wasp stings in the world. As it turns out, it's much more painful for bugs. The tarantula hawk eventually overpowers the female tarantula, and the toxins in the sting paralyze the doomed victim.

The paralyzed tarantula then gets dragged across the fucking desert to a specialized "nest" that the female tarantula hawk digs out. Before the paralysis wears off, she lays a single egg on the spider's back, and departs. Her job in this grim task is done.

Picture it: the spider wakes up from paralysis, panicked and desperately fearing for its life. This nest is impossible for the spider to escape from, as it lacks wings. Sure, there's probably stuff to eat down there so the tarantula won't starve, but I'm sure it would much rather starve to death.

Unfortunately, what actually happens is far more grim (and therefore far more brutal.) A larva hatches out of the egg, and quickly bites a hole in the abdomen of the tarantula and crawls inside. Over the next few months (read that again- MONTHS ) the larva crawls around the insides of the spider, eating everything it can while making sure to save the vital organs for last.

Why, you ask? Because the longer you can keep the spider alive, the longer you have fresh food.

Eventually, the larva pupates (read: goes through a metamorphosis) and then tears open the spider's stomach and escapes, ready to hunt.


Sound familiar?



Until next time, keep an eye on those terrifying insects. A few of these would make really badass song subjects if they were about humans or demons. Someone go write some black metal, NOW.

Viva la metal!

XII: Have a Merry Metal Christmas! (and other pc holiday greetings)

Christmas is in two days.

I just finished my last final of the semester.

My brain is melting, and as such this is the extent of my post. Sorry for the half-assedness lately, expect a better one next week.

Happy holidays for those of you with rods up your asses, and for the rest;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmEfFlbqbbY

Have a merry Christmas and a metal new year.

XI: Finals Week Sucks.

Good day, brethren. I'm currently bogged down with an ass-load of final exam studying and such, so don't expect a really thorough post today. I've gotten over my insomnia (which is good) and I've gotten further in Dio (which is really good.)

Oh, and apparently Steelix won the poll. This comes as no great surprise, as he is actually made of metal. Too bad the exact same advantage didn't help Colossus win in his poll.

Now I just need to study for Computer Science. O_o

Ugh. On the whole this class' approach to failure is pretty metal. Sheer, pure perfection must be achieved on each assignment or you get a zero. Which is kind of un-metal, because metal isn't about being perfect, it's about being who you are and punching things. However, the concept of everything that is not perfect getting culled is definitely pretty metal.

Man, this sucks...
Viva la metal.

X: To Reign In Hell (and the Brutality of Mortality)

Good day, brethren. Forgive me if today's post is lacking in passion and humor, but I haven't gotten any sleep in the past two nights. I know what you're thinking, 'But Bill, sleep is for the weak!' Well, smartass, I need to sleep so my spirit can leave my body and feed on the dreams and delicious, delicious nightmares of my friends and housemates.


Bill used Dream Eater! It's super effective


But, if I can't sleep, I can't feed, and a hungry demonic blogger is not a happy demonic blogger.

My brain isn't feeling very creative today, but I guess I could force it to do some work. Oh, so in an underwhelming victory, Hades cinched the vote for most metal Greek god...by a score of 2 to 1. If you can read this, prevent such a weak turnout of votes by GOING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND VOTING RIGHT NOW. Vote or die!

...sorry if that sounded like a threat, I meant die eventually.

Like in 50 or 60 years.





Hmm...I suppose the brutality of mortality is a pretty good idea for a blog post. In fact, I'm going to add that to the title right now.

Holy shit, that's a really good album title. DIBS. I CALL DIBS, GUYS.

It's weird. As humans, we're all going to die. Each and every one of us. We all know it, and in our hearts (though some of us seem eager for the end) we all have a primal fear of it. You'd think that universal fear would bring us together in resistance of it, like a bunch of children who are afraid of a beehive so they collectively decide to throw rocks at it. However, it seems to not work out that way. There's a problem here- the fear of inevitable death is so great that instead of uniting us, it polarizes us.

We see each other as desperate to survive- desperate enough to kill. This makes us distrust, which in turns makes us ourselves desperate enough to kill.

Man turning against man where all that should exist is unity and trust.

And that, my friends, is the most metal thing of all.

IX: A Shark Fighting a Polar Bear and the Seven Deadly Sins. (blog unrelated)

Greetings. So, first and foremost...



BEAR VS. SHARK.
BEAR VS. SHARK.
BEAR VS. SHARK.


You voted for it, you got it.



*ahem*
And now for something completely different.




So I mentioned something last time about listening to a lot of Dio, and I figured that (since last week's poll was completely unrelated) I'd just blog about that. You already know this if you follow me on Twitter, but I'm currently in the process of writing a musical. Now, I know what you're thinking- "A musical? That's like the least metal thing of all."

I would've agreed with you, before I was struck with a blinding strike of inspiration in World Mythology class one day. With my hyper-advanced brain, I was able to discern that the first three letters of "Dionysus", the name of the Greek god of the harvest, wine, orgies, and madness, were congruent with the last name of the late best and most awesome metal god-

Ronnie James Dio. (May he rest in peace.)

Anyway, once I hit that point it wasn't far until I decided to write a musical Dionysian tragedy set to the music of Dio. From that humble glimmer of an idea has grown a Brecht-ian play within a play, insofar that it's a meta-Dionysian tragedy: a Dionysian tragedy WITHIN a Dionysian tragedy! And it's set in modern times and culturally relevant. Certain events motivate a character to gather some friends and write (and eventually put on) a show called "Dio: Sex and Metal" in which Dionysus, playfully referring to himself by the nickname "Dio" crashes a frat party two nights in a row, with sexy (and devastating) results.

Now you might be doubting how good of an idea this is. You may at some point decide that the Greek gods are not inherently metal, or that classical theater is somehow not exciting. At this point I'd like to direct you to the fact that in "Bacchae" by Euripides, Dionysus sets up a scheme that fucks over his enemy worse than any instance of being fucked over since.

He has him torn limb from limb by a drunken, frenzied orgy which is incidentally led by his mother, who Dionysus then further brainwashes to BRING HIS SEVERED HEAD TO HIS GRANDFATHER'S PALACE AND PUT IT ON DISPLAY.

All the women in the orgy get exiled, and Dionysus drinks wine and frolics into the sunset, laughing maniacally...

...and slowly wanders towards the next town, all the while getting drunk and having massive, rolling orgies.

He's a loner, a misfit of the gods. He hates humanity and wanders around the world, stealing women for his massive drunken orgies. He gets everybody drunk and crazy and causes many people to die horrible deaths.

Sounds like metal to me.



Also, I get to rewrite the lyrics of Dio so they fit the story, and that's a lot of fun. It's also very silly to find out that the chorus line of "Holy Diver" can be sung with the same cadence as "Di-o ny-sus!"

I'm two thirds done with the rough draft, so expect this to be a real thing in the second half of the year.


Until next time, stay metal!
\m/