XIII: The World's Most Metal Animals Part 1: The Insect World is Surprisingly Brutal

Good evening. Finals week came and went, and to my surprise so far I haven't failed anything. Thank Satan for holes in the education system. Anyway, I'm officially on break now, so you know what that means. It's time for some blogging, HARDCORE.

I was perusing the interwebs when I found some information about a particularly brutal bug- the bagworm moth. This inspired me to write a blog about other metal animals, and was surprised to find that the majority of them were insects. Guys, insects are pretty badass. Seriously.


I. The Bagworm Moth




This is the one that inspired this blog. That is an adult male bagworm moth and aside from the fact that it looks like something from a little girl's nightmare, it has a surprisingly badass origin story. You see, all bagworm moths have to endure a trial by fire to earn the right to exist, and by trial of fire I mean they have to push their way out of their dead mother's corpse.

Yep, you read that correctly. Only the male bagworm moths get the right the grow wings, so the female ones adapt and become mating machines who never leave their cocoons. However, God wasn't done punishing the female bagworm (probably because of some crazy Biblical bagworm adultery) so He made them fucking incapable of reproduction. However, the species didn't go extinct, and I bet you can guess why.

Mother bagworm moths harbor many eggs in their bodies, all of which produce larvae that have to struggle to escape from their mother's decaying corpse when they're born in the spring. Possibly the most metal birth ever.

II: Trapdoor Spiders



Most of you will already know this story, so I shouldn't have to elaborate much on why this is so fucking metal, but damnit, I will anyway!

So you have a spider, which is already a pretty monstrous being - 8 legs, poisonous fangs, more eyes than you can count on one hand, and an insidious, drawn-out method for killing its prey. But let's say you wanted to make it more metal; let's say you made it a burrowing creature, able to live underground anywhere there's dirt. (For those of you who've done too much headbanging, there's a lot of dirt.) Let's say you also gave it the behavior of dragging it's victims down into said burrow, so that their long, agonizing death is spent isolated and confused, slowly dying in a cave, because...well, what the hell, why not?

But by far the most brutal aspect of the trapdoor spider is the one for which it's named. The namesake trapdoor to the burrow can be subtly lifted by the spider so it can play sentry to the immediate area. The moment some unsuspecting beetle or something walks by, BOOM, the door is open, the spider grabs it, and the door closes again. In the blink of an eye a life form is gone, condemned to experience its final hours in a world of pain, solitude, and darkness.

III. Anything afflicted by Cordyceps unilateralis (The parasitic mushroom with mind-control.)



This isn't specifically about a bug, but rather something that preys on bugs in such a terrifying way that I'm shocked it hasn't been made into a horror movie yet. The Cordyceps unilateralis is a parasitic mushroom that grows on the back of certain insects: namely, ants. It grows on the back of an ant and slowly saps the life from it. It feeds off them for the majority of its life, but takes a grim "I'll take you with me" approach to mortality. The mycelium (which can best be summed up as "brain-roots") of the mushroom grow into the brain tissue of the ant, and the mushroom hijacks the brain of the ant.

It then commands the ant to climb to the top of the nearest tree, tightens all of its mightily strong ant-muscles into a death grip on the tree, and patiently waits for the ant to die.

At which point the mushroom itself dies, grafted to its host who is eternally locked in a grim embrace with the tree...and then the mushroom releases countless spores to spread across the land, blowing for miles and miles in the wind. Each spore will land and lie in wait, and the C. unilateralis spreads its terror like something out of H.P. Lovecraft's fevered dreams.



IV. Tarantula Hawk



Holy shit, that thing is huge! Boasting a terrifying wingspan and a perfectly evil method of reproduction, the Tarantula Hawk is not only a fucking badass bug but also a great name for a band.

Wait a minute, I'm positive I've seen this exact bug as a design in LoZ: The Wind Waker...


And there it is, called a Mothula if I'm not mistaken.

Irrelevant!

What makes this particularly giant wasp so badass? Well for one, as the name should indicate it hunts tarantulas (which is pretty awesome in and of itself, but it gets better.) However, it doesn't feed on the tarantulas - tarantula hawks subsist on nectar. (Hilariously enough, if they drink the nectar of fermented fruits in the wild they'll actually get drunk, in some cases too drunk to even fly straight. It is for this incredibly awesome reason that the tarantula hawk has the closer spot on this list.) This wasp does, however, use the tarantula for reproduction, and if you've been paying attention then you know it's going to be gruesome.

The male tarantulas are too weak and scrawny to fit this monstrous predator's needs, so it seeks the females. These females almost always reside in their burrows, so it becomes more of a "seek-and-destroy" kind of mission. The tarantula hawk invades the burrow and stings the tarantula. I would like to point out that this wasp actually breaks into burrows, underground and in total darkness, and STILL manages to overpower a tarantula.

The tarantula hawk's sting is regarded as one of the most painful wasp stings in the world. As it turns out, it's much more painful for bugs. The tarantula hawk eventually overpowers the female tarantula, and the toxins in the sting paralyze the doomed victim.

The paralyzed tarantula then gets dragged across the fucking desert to a specialized "nest" that the female tarantula hawk digs out. Before the paralysis wears off, she lays a single egg on the spider's back, and departs. Her job in this grim task is done.

Picture it: the spider wakes up from paralysis, panicked and desperately fearing for its life. This nest is impossible for the spider to escape from, as it lacks wings. Sure, there's probably stuff to eat down there so the tarantula won't starve, but I'm sure it would much rather starve to death.

Unfortunately, what actually happens is far more grim (and therefore far more brutal.) A larva hatches out of the egg, and quickly bites a hole in the abdomen of the tarantula and crawls inside. Over the next few months (read that again- MONTHS ) the larva crawls around the insides of the spider, eating everything it can while making sure to save the vital organs for last.

Why, you ask? Because the longer you can keep the spider alive, the longer you have fresh food.

Eventually, the larva pupates (read: goes through a metamorphosis) and then tears open the spider's stomach and escapes, ready to hunt.


Sound familiar?



Until next time, keep an eye on those terrifying insects. A few of these would make really badass song subjects if they were about humans or demons. Someone go write some black metal, NOW.

Viva la metal!

X: To Reign In Hell (and the Brutality of Mortality)

Good day, brethren. Forgive me if today's post is lacking in passion and humor, but I haven't gotten any sleep in the past two nights. I know what you're thinking, 'But Bill, sleep is for the weak!' Well, smartass, I need to sleep so my spirit can leave my body and feed on the dreams and delicious, delicious nightmares of my friends and housemates.


Bill used Dream Eater! It's super effective


But, if I can't sleep, I can't feed, and a hungry demonic blogger is not a happy demonic blogger.

My brain isn't feeling very creative today, but I guess I could force it to do some work. Oh, so in an underwhelming victory, Hades cinched the vote for most metal Greek god...by a score of 2 to 1. If you can read this, prevent such a weak turnout of votes by GOING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND VOTING RIGHT NOW. Vote or die!

...sorry if that sounded like a threat, I meant die eventually.

Like in 50 or 60 years.





Hmm...I suppose the brutality of mortality is a pretty good idea for a blog post. In fact, I'm going to add that to the title right now.

Holy shit, that's a really good album title. DIBS. I CALL DIBS, GUYS.

It's weird. As humans, we're all going to die. Each and every one of us. We all know it, and in our hearts (though some of us seem eager for the end) we all have a primal fear of it. You'd think that universal fear would bring us together in resistance of it, like a bunch of children who are afraid of a beehive so they collectively decide to throw rocks at it. However, it seems to not work out that way. There's a problem here- the fear of inevitable death is so great that instead of uniting us, it polarizes us.

We see each other as desperate to survive- desperate enough to kill. This makes us distrust, which in turns makes us ourselves desperate enough to kill.

Man turning against man where all that should exist is unity and trust.

And that, my friends, is the most metal thing of all.

V: A Return to Form / "Metalphors"

Greetings, acolytes of metal. I was thinking about being gone for so long, and I just read that "Sorry for disappearing but I'm back now" post, and decided that while it's fairly metal, it doesn't actually discuss anything metal per se (unless you count exhuming your own corpse and returning from the dead.) And plus, it's not exactly fair to just come back with a short little post that's basically saying "Hey guys, I'm back but don't expect a real post until next week."

Fuck that. I'm going to produce a normal length, metal-as-steel post so this is the official metal return to form.

Also, I'm thinking of changing the name from "Metal (And Other Silly Things)" to "Mind Over Metal." More on that later.

Anyway, I figure it would be a fertile topic to talk a little bit about what goes into one of these blogs, particularly my focus on metaphors. Such a topic contains several good points, and lots of excuses to make metal metaphors.

(I fucking love alliteration.)
((Which is a pretty nifty segue.))




\m/ -Metallic Metaphors- \m/

When writing a metal blog, it should be obvious that intense, metal comparisons and explanations are required. Even if the subject in question is markedly un-metal, there's always a way to roll it up into a clever witticism that sounds like it could be spouted from the mouth of Satan. For example, I enjoy incense. Incense makes a room smell nice when you burn it. Not very metal, right?

But...tweak it a little bit...

"I often burn DRAGON'S BLOOD in my chambers, for no other reason than because I enjoy the smell."

That's right. In a matter of seconds, that went from me commenting about how I like my room to smell dainty and sweet to me boasting about how I kill dragons and harvest their blood. Anything can be made metal: anything from burning incense to the brutality of polite conversation, even to eating fruit!

Yeah, you heard me right. Eating fruit. You don't believe me?

Every day, thousands of beings are plucked from the security of their homes and shipped to foreign lands, where giants cut them open, scoop out their organs and unborn children, and cut their hollow bodies into pieces- to be devoured one by one.

That's some Cannibal Corpse shit right there.


VIVA LA METAL.

IV: Back From the Dead

(with a sudden rush of putrefied air from the lungs, and a shambling thrust out of the ground...)

GAH. Holy shit, it's been a while since I was down there.

Ahem. So allow me to explain my temporary disappearance. I'd like to say something witty, claiming that I was on a sabbatical through Hell as any good metal-head should be now and then. Unfortunately, the truth is much less spectacular- sophomore year of college has seen to it that I be drowning in work as often as possible. I was failing, and decided to put this on hold for a while. At which point, to be honest, I forgot about it. My once noble and inspired attempt at blogging about metal fell between the cracks of my hippocampus, obscured by Java algorithms and an endless array of "for" and "while" loops.

Until a good friend of mine told me I haven't written a blog in a while.

...and then I checked my blog. And found comments. AND FOLLOWERS.

HOLY SHIT, PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ THIS.



The poll this week will be "What do you think is the best excuse for my absence?" because I can't think of anything better. ^_^


Anyway, yeah. Sorry for disappearing guys, you can bet I won't let it happen again now that I have something to keep me in it: fans. Fans are the driving force behind metal, the steam that powers its infernal engines. Keep those horns up, folks.

For you all and myself, regardless of temporary abandonment or asphyxiation by an overwhelming amount of work, there is only one solution: metal.

MIND OVER METAL.

I : Heavy Metal and Why It's Awesome

You know why you're here!

Okay, maybe you don't. But in the event that you do, it's because you appreciate the might and majesty of metal! (I bet that tasty bit of alliteration just made every English major reading this squirm in delight.) If you and metal don't get along, I'd be inclined to question what the hell you were doing reading this, but the fact that you are reading it means that someone, somewhere is validating my blogging, and that's awesome, so I'll try to not scare you away with my pointy, pointy logic.

But in any case, if you do play nice with heavy metal, that makes you just a little bit superior to everyone else. Do you know why? Because at its titanium core, metal is driven by passion.

That fire in your belly that acts up whenever you get pushed down? That little pulse from your Id that whispers "killlllllllll....." in your ear when someone else gets what you want? That desire to not be held down, to control your own life? That, my friend, is the feeling of passion. Not the lovey-dovey, "my heart burns for you eternally" kind of passion, or the "lets fuck right now" kind of passion. Not the kind of passion you find in Latina pop-stars with hips that are apparently quite honest.

I mean the passion that engulfs all that is before it, leaving nothing left but followers to its cause and the ashes of those who dared to oppose it. I speak of METAL.

Whether you're raising your fist in the air, annihilating someone in a particularly violent mosh-pit, banging your head, or just using metal to drown out the frustrations of your life, you're doing something passionate. You're allowing some part of you to still feel, and in a world where everyone is dying from the inside, its nice to feel alive. That's why metal is so awesome, and that is exactly why I've decided to dedicate this blog to spreading the glorious word of metal.

Viva la metal!